Le Grand Buffoon 2008

So another buffoon of the year draws to it's climax. This year, in a break with tradition, I ran a poll to give everyone a chance to voice who they though should receive the prestigious "Maillot Jaune." Before I announce the winner, a quick recap. Last years recipient, The Funky Messiah, was quickest out of traps, with a stunning display over the festive period, but soon went into hibernation when he found himself a new chick, and quickly faded. The slack was immediately taken up by the Right Honourable Shoutster, who kept a steady pace through the Spring, and found himself leading the pack. Over the summer the likes of myself, El Grande Queso and Paulcano flirted with the top rankings, and a late effort, mostly football related, gave Helmet the smallest of look ins. The vote turned out to be very close, I was pipped by a solitary vote by our winner, who in true Buffoon style, admitted to stuffing the ballot. He finally accepted that he was the true winner last weekend, and it is with great honour that I unveil our 2008 champion Buffoon. A strong candidate since appearing on the scene three years ago, he at least takes the step up from also ran to Le Grand Buffoon 2008..............................




SHOUTY PAUL






















The Right Honourable joins the Pantheon of Stupidity with past winners;

The Funky Messiah 2007








John the Don 2006









Jamon 2005












The race for 2009 starts now. Shouty will be expected to be a strong contender once again, and previous winners such as John the Don and Funky, will always be strong contenders. Jamon however, due to his ongoing incarceration, would appear to be fading quietly into the annals of history. I may self, having spent far to much time in the company of idiots, have also seemingly acquired the knack for stupidity, and cannot be discounted, along with El Grande Queso, anybody with the last name Jannetta, Mad Ad, Skid and Tony Helmet. But what of the new comers?? Bakes and Paulcano look to be choc full of potential, and if you ever have the pleasure of spending an evening with a drunken Lefty, you will see that boy could fair romp away with the Yellow Jersey. But I fancy a dark horse, somebody who you never associate with stupidity, but certainly is not adverse to a bit of Buffoonery. I think Crespo could be the surprise package this year, and will be keeping close tabs on him. Let the Stupidity begin!!

Should Have Known Better

How easy could it be? A piss up in brewery? What could possibly go wrong? Having it in Buffoon Central, aka Shipley that's what. Where else would a brewery, who is holding a beer festival, advertised on the Internet and in local papers, during a local festival, get in enough beer to last one night? Know the worst part about it? I wasn't surprised. On Friday the place was drunk dry, as a woefully unprepared brewery was only expecting 400 or 500 visitors over the full weekend, was swamped by that number on the first night alone. And when you figure that up and coming Buffoon rookie Lefty was the organiser in chief, the outcome was, in fact, all to predictable. This didn't stop us having a decent night, but points to Lefty for sure. Speaking about Buffoon points, I have found out that the Right Honourable Shoutster has been stuffing the ballot for the 2008 Maillot Jaune, voting for me on more than one occasion. he even reckons I should be above him, as he hasn't done anything of merit for ages. He points out that apart from the Cologne train incident, there is the shallow swimming pool, speeding ticket and lost bank card stunts I pulled in the US of A. Well my blinking pal shall we look deeper into your performance so far this year? Was it three or four coats/jackets you have lost? Is it three or four park benches/gutters/public toilets you have woken up in/on during this buffoon season? Who was it that had to be rescued from the Prune Park by Crespo, thinking it was midnight, when in fact it was half past eight? And don't get me started on the nose bleeds. And let's not forget how cool you looked trying to chat up that bird with a piece of bog roll stuck your hand. What made it worse was that you noticed it, and started wafting it around in her face laughing, as you tried to remove it, failing badly in the process. Then there was the look of bemusement, as you tried to draw cash out of an ATM, that had its door open, and big sign that read "Out of Order." Or how you continued to persevere even when a friend took pity on you and tried to explain that it had been emptied. How about that train you caught to work in Bradford, wondering how you ended up in Leeds when you got on the wrong train. To cap it all off, as you proudly boasted on Saturday night, how you had been idiot free for a good three months, ten minutes before you lost your wallet in the tram shed. You may well have a point, that I have undersold my own performance this year, but when stood in the shadow of the mountain of idiocy that has been cast in your name, I feel confident that when "Le Maillot Jaune" is presented to this years "Le Grand Buffoon", it shall be your shoulders it adorns.

Le Grande Buffoon 2008

It is getting towards that time of year. The nights are drawing in, and with only six weeks left, there has been a burst of fuck wittery in the race to be crowned Le Grande Buffoon 2008. So I have decided to flesh out the current running order, and give a brief outline why that person occupies his position. If I have missed anything out, or have been too harsh on one of the mentioned, please alert me via either the comments section below, or if you see me down the pub;

1. Shouty- A fallow period for the Right Honourable, since his halcyon days around the time of our TSV 1860 trip he has been a paragon of sensibility. But it was a strong showing early on that has kept him ensconced at the summit of stupidity. Trying to get cash out of a broken ATM, Dusseldorf train station, the Sticky toilet paper incident and passing out in a Cologne gutter are the stand out moments from his 2008 campaign
2. Tony Helmet- A close call between second and third, but Helmet knicks it for me due to his remarkable habit of making a helmet of himself on such a regular basis. You Shut Up! in Dublin, the Munich incident at the Malt Shovel and the continual verbal Faux Pas he seems dish up hourly when on the lash. I know it seems harsh, there isn't one huge stand out display of buffoonery from the perennial challenger, but I suspect if anyone is too topple the Shoutster, it will be the Behemoth of Buffoon.
3. The Funhy Messiah- Last years runaway winner set the early pace, and appeared a shoe in to repeat his Maillot Jaune winning performance of the previous twelve months. But since the turn of the year nothing. After crashing Ropeys Xmas party and trying to hump anything with a pulse in the Wilsden district over the Festive period, he has completely disappeared. He may well being casting his brand of Knobheadery in an other district, but as far as I can tell, he has been idiot free for the duration of 2008. He may yet come back into the reckoning, but it looks unlikely he will retain his title.
4. Lefty- A true dark horse, and with this weekends beer festival, and a free pass from his missus could yet storm to the top. His sustained display of Buffoonery during the Otleyfest is probably the finest I have bore witness to in a single night. Spicy Soup and Vodka, twice, followed by a similar mix with an even hotter sauce in the next bar. The subsequent spewing up of milk. Taking us all for the best hot beef sandwich in Yorkshire in a pub. "when did you finish serving food" he enquired. "1986" was the reply. Generally making a nuisance of himself for the rest of the evening. The last time I was out with him he passed the time by kicking fat birds up the arse as they went past him. Strong outside tip.
5. European Bri- I suppose I have to accept that spending so much time with idiots has got to rub off, and this year I have fallen foul to some idiot japes of my own. Falling asleep in a pile of my own puke on a train in the middle of Germany, teaching Helmet the "You Shut Up!!" chant, waking up with a spring roll stuck to my chest, and other misdemeanours all add up, and although I don't believe I will crack the top four, I have to accept my position at the middle of the pack
6. El Grande Queso- Now this was another close one, between sixth and seventh, but he sneaks it for an incident I was lucky to find out about. His main reason for finding himself so high up in the running is the Casino incident. Having racked up a healthy loss, the grande fromage of the Bender Squad decided he still wanted to live it large, so brandishing his battered credit card ordered steak and champagne. Already well pissed, he decided against the use of cutlery to eat his slab of meat, and instead decided use his hands in the manner of an extremely hungry cave man, to dine on his late supper. Loudly. When asked if could keep his voice down, Stevie went into the now infamous "Don't you know who I am!" routine while, wafting a grilled piece of beef at the doorman. He was shepherded to the exit by two bouncer, demanding their names, saying they would never work in this town again , all while waving his half eaten steak at all and sundry. The other reason for him featuring above the chap just below him was modem incident. He couldn't get it to work, and rang up to see why this was. He told the chap on the other end of the phone that it wasn't working and the only light that was on was the standby light. "You see the button on the top of the modem" said the geezer in technical support. "press it, it's the on button." Get in there Queso.
7. The Paulcano- A very recent addition to this years list, only week in fact, as our pocket Etna erupted on our recent visit to Dublin. Suffice to say Paulcano 0 Horse 1. He may be too late to make any in roads this year, but I suspect this is not the last time he will feature on this list. One to keep an eye on in 2009
8. John the Don- Just because he is John the Don.
   

There are a few on the cusp, but none to match the eight that I have chosen. Or is there? Time will be called on the 31/10/08, and I have replaced the Fadge or Vadge poll with one for who should be christened "Le Grande Buffoon 2008", although my verdict will remain final. If you vote now, remember you can change your vote at anytime before the poll closes, just in case someone makes a move after you have voted. May the biggest fool win.

Drink! Girls! Feck!

Be gosh, and indeed be gorrah, I am freshly returned from the MoleCats freedom shindig in the capital of the emerald isle Dublin. It was most ably organized by the Paulcano, and was a raucous affair to be sure. We flew out Saturday afternoon, from LBA, after a two and a bit hour delay, so we were all pretty fresh before we arrived. But let us skip to the chase. Was there any buffoonery worthy of "Le Maillott Jaune?" What do you think? One of Toms work buddies, christened Ravanelli because he had white hair, nearly came through unscathed, but whilst trying to force out one last Guinness fart on arrival back in Blighty, only succeeded in drawing mud, yet another "Munich" incident. Bakes threw a wobbler down Temple Bar, and threatened to send most off his travelling companions home in a body bag. There was Matt and his ambulance, which took pity on him as wandered the streets of Dublin non to the wise as where our digs were located. And of course the Helmet was on tour, and didn't disappoint. My good self, Palmer, Molecat, Busted, Lobon, Crespo, Carl (we were too drunk to think up a suitable nickname) , Helmet and Ravanelli took off to the Guinness storeroom for the tour. Of course we got a bit lairy, and began the "You Shut Up!" chant at each other. After several hours on the Razz we decided to meet up with the rest, who of course were in a different bar, and stone cold sober. Helmet burst through the door at the precise moment time stood still. Watches stopped, the song on the jukebox finished and a deathly hush fell over the Bleeding Horse pub. "Oooooooooooooooooooooooo Yyyyyyyyyyyou shutttttt Uuuuuppppp!!!!!!!!" bellowed the Helmet, who is one of the loudest MoFo's you could wish to meet. Everybody in the bar looked at him, as tumbleweed blew through the bar, and in the distance a church bell tolled. Not a smirk or chortle, just an embarrassing silence only broke when the bar tender called out "Next!" The proverbial coat was got and taxi called. But all were to usurped by Wilsdens answer to Krakatoa, the Paulcano. For reasons only known to himself, on the first night in Dublin, down Temple Bar, he spied a horse whilst waiting to get into a night club, and took offense to our four legged friend. Deciding that only course of action was to head butt our equine friend, he put his arms to his side, bowed his napper, and set off as fast as his little legs would carry him towards the the horse. Just as he was propelling himself towards top speed, the horse looked up, and engaged it's superior intelligence, side stepping the now flat out 'cano, who flew head first down the cobbled streets, ending up in a broken and bruised pile, to earn the honours for buffoon moment of the trip. Most folk collect beermats or pins on their trips abroad, but the 'cano loves to pick up scabs and scars instead.

What of Dublin itself? I never made it down to Temple Bar, the frist night because I had a bad experience on my last visit eight year ago, and on the second night because I made the fatal error of deciding to have ten minutes after an afternoon bender, and woke up three hours later with everybody gone, a fate that also befell the Helmet. "Old twats" I hear you say, but brother Lobon, the oldest geezer on tour made it all the way through. I highly recommend the Guinness tour, you pay a fifteen euro entrance, which gets you a free pint in the impressive Gravity bar, but on the sixth floor there is another bar that sold the cheapest Guinness I found all weekend, coming in at just over four euros. Of course the taxi driver on our way home told us a secret way to get pissed cheap. In the gravity bar they only serve complimentary pints, and most people who do the tour only have a couple of sips and leave it, which means for those of you with shallow pockets can hoover up all the leftover beers, getting arsed for free. I shall bear this in mind if I visit again, as with the exchange rate being what it is, it was working out about £4.50 a pint, nearer five quid down Temple Bar. Another thing to watch out for is the night clubs in Temple bar, which start sticking an extra euro on all drinks, every hour after midnight. Lobon got stung just shy of ten euros for a vodka and coke in Fitzsimmons. Well , in a nutshell, that's about it. I am sure I have forgotten to recall may things, I was pretty drunk most of the time, and if any one wants to comment on anything I have missed out, please feel free. If there is enough that I've missed out on, I will do a follow up posting on our jolly shindig. I have uploaded my photo's, which mainly consist of our Guinness odyssey, you can view by clicking here. Anybody else who has any photos, get them to me and I will add to the gallery, as I have none of Molecat in his frock. So what next? In a fortnight there is Leftys beer festival, and in December we are heading down to the Smoke to see the Bantams play the Bees. I will do a full rundown on Le Grande Buffoon later in the week, as there has been some definite movement in the top five.

Three Reasons why Old Men Shouldn't Dance

Curse this digital age. You get dragged off to a party for one of your trouble and strifes friends husbands. Because it's your wife, and you never pay any attention to owt she has to say, or who she socialises with, you arrive at said shindig not having a scooby doo who anybody is, but everybody else knows everybody else. Solution? Copious amounts of Guiness. Of course after sticking to this plan for three hours ones inhibitions become some what loosened. Because it's a fortieth, the DJ starts to play old records from your youth. Your feet start tapping, and you even begin to sing along. All of a sudden Golden Rule #16 "Do not dance once passing the age of 35" is forgotten. Another two pints of the black stuff are seen off and before you know it you are in the middle of the dance floor surrounded wide eyed youngsters with their chins on the floor, peering out from behind fingers, as "Prince Charming" by Adam and the Ants blares out;


The look of sheer concentration on the last one is quite frightening..

Le Grande Buffoon 2008

It is nearly that time of year, and with only a month to stake a claim, it is pretty much nip and tuck and the top. The Funky Messiah, who looked a lock to be the first back to back winner, has, rather disappointingly, seemed to have grown up, and apart from the Xmas episode at Ropeys, has been nowhere to be seen. Still it was an epic display of stupidity, and keeps him well within the running. In the same group pushing for the hallowed jersey is Shouty, and myself. Shouty's lost weekend of sticky toilet paper and being refused service in the Prune Park rivals Funkys festive frolics as a one off piece of idiocy. Combine this with his toilet capers in Dusseldorf, and I reckon we have front runner. In the bronze medal place I would have to place new comer Lefty, his hot sauce drinking stunt in Otley was priceless, and to be honest might even be worthy a winning on it's own. It will be interesting to see if he can sustain his rookie attempt at the Shipley beer festival two weeks hence. A true loose cannon in the finest tradition. And me? Well I don't think I have a one off to rival my fellow Squad members, but a series of numb ones. Getting caught doing ninety in a fifty five mile an hour zone, the diving head first on to the bottom of a swimming pool and clearing a train compartment outside Leverkusen, all add up, but lack that knockout blow, so I figure to be running fourth at time of press. Who else deserves a mention? El Grande Queso and his non working modem. When he rang up to see why it wasn't working, it turned out he hadn't switched on from standby. Doh! The Boy Dazzlers disappearing act. An expensive one at that. Helmet is a long shot at the moment, but now he no longer has to work Saturdays, is a dark horse, and with the pooping his pants incident at the Dons birthday do, and his two mouthfuls and gipping effort only the other week, could yet see him usurp the rest. And he has a weekend in Dublin to navigate as well. With the Ireland excursion, the Saltaire Brewing festival and the Boy Dazzlers birthday, all before the end of the month, the season has hit what Sir Alex Ferguson likes to call "Squeaky Bum time" and this year, there is all to buffoon for.

Buffoon of the Year Update

Now then, i figured it may be a good time to see how things are shaping up in the world of buffoonery. Shouty continues a good run, his previous Prune Park Episode, Germany shenanigans, and last but not least the toilet paper incident. Crespo filled me in on this little pearler. It appears after a day out on the lash, the Shoutmeister decided to try his hand at impressing some of the local wenches in Shipley. Unfortunately for him he had some how managed to stick some bog roll to his hand(?), that he didn't notice for ages. Then to compound matters, he couldn't shift the damn thing and proceeded to show it off, as some kind of wondrous trophy to anyone who would listen. I'll give him one thing, he sure knows how to empty a room. It is on the is basis, and an accumulation, that he finally overtakes long time leader the Funky Messiah, who seems to gone off the boil since his Christmas exploits. There is a while to go yet for the current Maillot Jaune incumbent, but Shouty seems to be gaining a head of steam, although he has sworn to go on a time out. I will have to award myself third place at the moment, as the rest of the Squad seem Hell bent on growing old gracefully, although I have got to giver fourth place to El Grande Queso fourth place on the strength of his two casino visits so far this year. Fifth place is the hardest one to judge, as there seems no clear taker. John the Don has gone to ground, and it seems cruel to give it to the Boy Dazzler, whose only misdemeanour seems to be getting as plastered as he always has(although he has lost his wallet and phone on a couple of occasions this year). Tony Helmet has also been keeping a low profile, although I just know it can't last, and Mad Ad is always a couple of beers from performing the spectacular. On the basis of what has gone on so far this year I figure the top five to be the following;

1. Shouty-Can he stop himself, or will his lead be lengthened?
2. The Funky Messiah-Will burgeoning relationship prevent back to back win?
3. Euro Bri-Can he keep upto the young pretenders?
4. El Grande Queso-Casino mayhem, can it continue?
5. The Boy Dazzler-A possible dark horse?

If I have missed out any worthy examples of idiocy please feel free to let me know, as I can't be everywhere at once.

Le Grande Buffoon 2008-First Quarter Rankings

A slow start to 2008, although it does include the last months of 2007, means Le Maillot Jaune is still very much up for grabs. Last years runaway winner, the Funky Messiah, got off to a ripping start, his Boxing Day/New Years performance around Wilsden was of an extremely high quality, something we have come to expect from a perennial contender. He manged to get turfed out of Ropey's house party, for coming on to his missus, and then following her up to the kazi, and refused to get out. He then did a full frontal slide down the hill outside the village community hall, before knocking up his ex girlfriend, who took pity on him, and made sure he got home. We all thought this was the opening shots of what was going to be possibly the greatest buffoon year of all, but since then our early season favourite has gone quiet. The slack was picked up by Shouty, who many see as the most serious challenger to last years winner, in particular his lost weekend, when he was saved from oblivion by Crespo. After staying out all night, he decided to have a couple of liveners before retiring to catch up on some kip. These "liveners" resulted in myself and Crespo receiving numerous phone calls from the future Member of Parliament, who was in a fair old state. He pitched up at Crespos, who took him and sobered him up, then made room for him in his spare room. He reckoned later in the week to have been out till last orders, but Crespo said it was eight o'clock at latest. He was so drunk that they stopped serving him in the Prune. On the Bender Squad Xmas shindig he also tried to get some cash out of an obviously out of order cash point, and sat with a puzzled look on his face for about 10 minutes. I myself accrued plenty of buffoon points that evening, for reason I can not put in print, safe to say the were for the same indiscretion that saw Tony Helmet earn his points in the Villager. Shouty also earned himself some extra Brucie bonus points for a similar incident to both back at Helmets house, that I can vouch for, as I was there. Dazzler and Queso have also racked themselves a few scores from the Casino night, but in all that is about it. Dark horses John the Don and Mad Ad have beenkeeping a low profile, and the rest of the Squad have been acting far too sensibly. So with the first quarter up, the top five is as follows;

1. The Funky Messiah-His strong showing over the Christmas period sees him hold on to his first place, but coming up hard on the rails is;
2. The Right Honourable Shouty-At cats cock hair behind the 2007 champion, and with the pre season favourite seemingly to be growing up, he is now considered by most to be the new favourite, but things can change as he is followed in, albeit at some distance, by an annual dark horse;
3. European Bri-the Casino and Park episodes have seen me rise into the running fore the first time since Munich, but I would like to think this is more to do with the slow start to the year, rather than a slow descent into the realms of the two fellas above me. I am closely followed by;
4. The Boy Dazzler-Gains his high entry for being too drunk to be in a Casino, and losing his wallet last Saturday. Still gets drunker than any man this side of Lefty, and with a few foreign excursions ahead of us, is a good outside bet.
5. Tony Helmet-Included here more on reputation than performance, but the creaking chair that broke under his considerable girth was hilarious, and more than enough to earn him a spot in the top five.

As I have pointed out, the beginning of the year is always a quiet period, and as the weather warms up, so does the potential for idiocy. One person who would feature in the top three is Lefty, for his heroic effort in Otley, but his membership is still pending, although I would be more than happy to include him.

Singin' Fool

Well my home made remedy for battling man flu was, alas, rubbish. It resulted in me being ligged in bed till one o'clock Sunday afternoon, and not venturing more than two metres for the rest of the afternoon. It was worth it though for the few hours releif it gave from spluttering flem and feeling like shite. It was my works Xmas shindig, adn it was agreed with the Shoutster and Crespo that after I finished up in Leeds, I would catch the last train to meet up with the gruesome twosome in Shipley. The problem was though, that the Bantams match had been postponed, and the deadly duo had retreated to the boozer for an all dayer. Of course after swilling a shed load of beer, champgne and Jim Beam, I made my way to Shipley to hook up with our erstwhile heroes. Imagine my surprise when i rang them up to find out which watering hole they were in to find out they had gone into Bradford, and refused to leave. After a couple more beers, I decided to call it a night and ordered a taxi home. Little did I know Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum would spend the early hours of Sunday morning bombarding me with texts and messages imploring me to join them on their downward spiral towrds oblivion. This was probably the pick of the messages left on my mobile, although I am more than a little worried about the Shoutsters choice of song to serenade me with. Even more puzzling was why he thought it would entice me out of my nice warm bed.....

Only Your Barber Will Know for Sure

My arse! Some of you may or may not be aware that the right Honourable Shouty has returned to live in his town of origin, Shipley. This little burg is , as you may or may not know, infamous for it's lack of style and fashion sense. So to blend in into his new habitat he decided, for reasons best known to only himself, to have red highlights put into his hair?!? I know!! Anyway the erstwhile hero of this little tale also decided to save himself a bob or two, and took himself down his local branch of evil, Asda, to buy the equipment to carry out his mission of gay. Now most of you can by now guess the outcome, and our intrepid idiot ended up with a head the colour of a cherry tomato. Even in Shipley, this would mark him out as a buffoon on an epic scale, so it was back to the dark side, Asda, to purchase a black Grecian dye, to return to his "natural" state. So his hair is now not just black, but it is BLACK, and looks like an ill fitting syrup (wig to those unfamiliar with rhyming slang). My buffoon account may well have been opened, but it was an accident bought on by a case of knob headery, where as the Shoutsters was a pre-meditated assault of buffoonery upon his own bonce. Gentlemen, this race for 2008 has truly begun.

Doggy Dooooooooooo!

Don't know if this qualifies for buffoon points, but I will let you be the judge. I was at work on Friday, and it was fast approaching beer o'clock, and I got bogged down on a job. Wanting to make sure I got a seat for the game, I was running around this guys house trying to find out where his wiring was damaged. After checking everything out and making sure it was working I jumped in my van to get off home. After about a quarter of a mile I was overwhelmed by the stench of dog shit. Pulling over I checked the bottom of my boots and found I must have stood the biggest pile of dog dirt EVER. It was about an inch thick on the soles of my shoes. I gingerly removed the offending piece of footwear, went to the curb, and began to whack them on the ground to remove the thickest of it. On the third or fourth whack, a bit of shit flew in the opposite direction to the rest and landed in my right eye! To make matters even worse it got lodged between my upper and lower eye lashes so I could see it. After several seconds of extreme swearing and shrieking, I managed to wipe it off with some clean wipes, and then poured a half a bottle of eye cleanser in to make sure it was cleaned out. Slowly my breathing returned to normal, and I went to put my boot back on. But something was rattling around my toes. You guessed it, another rouge piece of shit had found it's way into my shoe, and preceded to smear all over my socks! Now I consider this to be plain bad luck, but I am sure a few of the Squad will believe the first shots have been fired in the struggle to to attain Le Maillot Jaune 2008.

Le Grande Buffoon 2008

It has been pointed out to me that with the Funky Pedestrian picking up the 2007 title with nearly two months left of the year, what happens to any idiocy that may occur in the mean time? Well for all you noodle headed numb skulls out there, don't worry. Any buffoonery that happens between now and the new year, will be carried forward to the race for the 2008 Maillot Jaune. As in previous years, the lead that had be accrued by the eventual winner had become to great to overcome, hence the early awarding. So don't fear all you eejits who were worrying that any examples of supreme knob headery would not go unrewarded.