Taking a Well Earned

Ahoy me mateys! This is the last post I will be putting on for a week as I am off burger pillaging up and down the coast with the missus and rug rats. If I get the opportunity to use a PC whilst away I will try and stick something on the blog. Hoping a break from the rat race will re-charge the batteries, and help come up with more excuses for going on the lash. Till next time...Yaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!

Scouse-less JMF Beat by Five

Shorn of their Liverpool supporting team mates the JMF were tonked by five goals down the Wood last night. Dead Eye, Luklear and Funky were replaced by Tommo, Lefty and Two Scoops, who gave a decent enough account of themselves, but proved no match for the well oiled Euro machine. Everybody played their part, but special mention goes out to Shotgun and Young Gaz, whose finishing proved to be too much for the gaylord JMF to overcome. Yet again Queen Dave shouted the toss for everything, ably assisted by the returning Jamon. The Elite are starting to click back into gear now, and with the main queer boy goal threat of Dead Eye missing for another week, the tide may well be starting to turn in favour of the righteous. Two Scoops fills in for myself, as I am away for the week. The picture posted is of the Shoutsters ruby reds.

2007 Season

• JMF wins -12


• Euro Elite - 8


• Draws - 1

McEuro Ahoy!

Avast ye lice infested cutlass lickers, it be McOdyssey, the weekly search to guess where I be doin' me burger pillaging. The ginger nemesis that be McMercenary plundered me booty last week to garnish two gold dubloons from me bulging chest. I'd laid anchor to feed me hearty waistline on the Mediterranean island of McMalta. Well this week be having to do fer yer treasure hunting fer the next fortnight, as I be away to find more MacD's to be bamboozling all ye infernal McSpotters with, so get ready for a real tough spot, as this week;

Whhheree BBBeeeee MMMMcEEEuuuuro?????

Back to Reality

This years drab final couldn't put a dampener on the annual FA Cup bender, and a very healthy turnout it was, squad member Skidly going as far as to get a weeks sick note to attend, and brother G Spot risking the wrath of his missus to make a rare foray into the world of bendering. The afternoon got off to a slow start, Crespo managing to pick up some driftwood from Baildon that took about an hour to cut loose, but after that we got into the swing quickly. Mad Ad was the first raise the rowdiness level, and the boy was soon following in his wake. After many beers in Bradford town centre, we acquired Tony helmet and decided to leave all the asylum seekers to it and braved the, as it turned out, not so dark backwaters of Shipley via the Park at Frizinghall. From here on in it was allover the place. first down was the boy, who was in need of taking home, so I volunteered, before I was tempted by past demons. As we waited for our cab Lobon and Tony H were doing the same favour for a fading Ad. So newcomer Jammy and JohnnyMedia were left with old school squad members Funky, Shouty and Crespo to fly the flag till closing time at around 4 a.m. Shouty was last seen trying to make a break for the boiler house before common sense, and his brother in law, helped take him home without scoring any buffoon points. This may seem a tame affair by our previous standards, but the first official bender of the summer months is always one of the more cagey. Till the next one.......

United for a Day

Today I am officially a glory hunter, Two Scoops has made me promise to be a Man Utd fan for today's FA Cup final, which means I get to be arrogant and obnoxious about footie for the duration of Saturday. Seeing as I plan on being drunk for the majority of the day, I should be able to carry this off with aplomb. Looking forward to a good turn out, going to see how I get on with my camera phone for pics, if they are worthwhile I will post them on the smugmug site. Dead Eye will not be attending as he cannot stomach watching Chelsea or United lift the cup, he is going to watch the grass grow in the back garden instead. Don't expect any postings tomorrow, I will report on the revelry Monday. Win or lose, we shall booze!

JMF Crushed by Rampant Elite

Apologies for the tardiness of this report, as I have been to busy basking in the glory of a superlative performance by the mighty elite down the Wood last night. The final four goal victory belies the supremacy shown by Euro's boys in the face of extreme cheating from Queen Dave. The first quarter of an hour so saw the usually slow starting Elite power to a 11-2 advantage, Young Gaz scoring a boat load, and Shotgun finding his range to pepper the back of the onion bag instead of the ceiling. JohnnyM stayed awake for most of the match, as Euro provided cover at the back, but special mention goes to the Shoutster who ran himself into the ground. On the JMF, Funky Messiah ran out of stream half way through the first minute, King Dave brought his clogs and Luklear War tried to kick the life out of the righteous Elite. Even the shooting of Dead Eye and the defending of the Mercenary suffered as the MoFo cried over every 50/50 call, although they did rally late to keep the scores respectable. Take that arse bandits.

2007 Season

• JMF wins -12
• Euro Elite - 7
• Draws - 1

Three Days till Bender Time

It seems like forever since we last gathered to pay tribute to the binge drinking God, but at last FA Cup final day is on the horizon. After miss placing my phone I would appreciate if everybody could pass on the message that we are meeting at Lloyds bar, across from town hall between 12:00 and 13:00 hours prompt. Please remember it is a marathon and not a sprint, as last years photos graphically show. I've no idea where we will go when the game is over, I am open to suggestions, although I would rather avoid Bingley, as King Dave is barred from the Ferrands, plus we always seem to end up there anyway. If Shouty doesn't show up, we may well be putting a hunting trip together to brave the murky backwaters of Shipley. looking forward to June, there is no bender scheduled as yet, Crespo has suggested a free Jamon benefit bender, and El Grande Queso wondered about a going under the knife shindig, as he prepares for his knee operation. Any other ideas, please contact me ( I have got a new phone) or post a comment. See you Saturday.

By' eck Lad, Tha's Lakin' for t'Rollover

Ee by gum lads, nowt was paid for last weeks McEuro, as thee couldn't guess thou was at McBarnsley, fresh from t'pit.

This of course means this weeks Jackpot stands at a princely TWO doubbloons for he who can crack the McRiddle of....

"Whhhhhhereeeee Be MMMMMcccEuro????????

The Adventures of Captain Pugwash - Opening Titles

Pirate-mania continues. Thanks to able Seaman Shouty for this link. YARRRRGGGHHH!

How do you Solve a Problem Like Shouty?

A serious squad issue has been brought to my attention by an anonymous member. Crespo has told me that brother Shouty is considering watching the FA Cup final in the land of moustaches and dealers, Shipley. Apparently this pussy whipped land lover believes we lead him astray! That's what we are supposed to do, idiot! If we wanted to stay all nice and sensible, we would be in the evil M.R.S. numb nuts. This is a serious matter, and can not go unpunished. The penalty could even be as grave as having to revoke his Bender Squad membership. However, I do not feel such a draconian punishment is warranted just yet, as this is only his first offence, and he said it in the presence of one of the Mean Repressive Spouses most lethal agents, the ladder tighted SammyJ. I propose we address the situation on the 19th of May, unless he does decide to go to Shipley, in which case we will hunt him down like a mangy dog. Remember not to look directly into her eyes, and don't forget, sex lasts minutes, a bender takes hours!

"Quod inter amicos accidit, inter amicos manet"

Oh No!

This particular post is difficult for me to compose. After reporting with glee the buffoonery of various members losing their phones whilst inebriated, it pains me to report that I have joined this esteemed band of eejits. After swigging copious amounts of lager, I discovered after stumbling through my front door, that my phone was no longer in my possession. I rang up G-Spot who tried to track down my phone in the George, but it was well and truly west. I rang it myself, but whoever purloined my mobile had switched it off. Oh well, I have finally opened my 2007 buffoon account.

Yo Ho Ho Me Mateys

The first annual Bender Squad Pirate Cruise sets sail down the choppy waters of the Leeds/Liverpool canal on the 21st of July. Everything is good to go, the times are set, the crew has been debriefed of our mission and a meeting point has been declared to get the day off to decent start with rum and bacon at the Skipton branch of Wheterspoons. I thought everything was covered till Dangerous Pete enquired about the sea/canal shanty's we would be enjoying our debauchery too. Dangerous has undertaken to compile a disc of worthy tunes to plunder and swig along too, but needs input from the Squad faithful to help. So far we have come up with;

1. The Captain Pugwash theme tune


2. Friggin' in the Riggin'-Sex Pistols


3. The F.U.N. song-SpongeBob Squarepants


4. The Irish Rover-The Pogues and Dubliners


5. Sailing-Rod Stewart


6. Big Balls-AC/DC


7. SpongeBob Squarepants theme tune


8. Professor Booty-The Beastie Boys

Of course anyone who can download any of the traditional shanty's such as "Dead mans chest" and the like will be promoted immediately to the poop deck, otherwise post suitable nominations as a comment. Anybody suggesting Celine Dions theme from the Titanic will be summarily keel hauled.

JMF Squeeze Out Four Goal Victory

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Is it Getting to McEasy??

Three correct McGuesses in a row?? What is McGoing on! McShotgun earned his spurs by correctly pointing out that I was in McBelfast. Perhaps I have been going a bit McEasy on all you McSpotters out there, so this weeks is going to be a bit more McChallenging. Lets see just how McClever you are this week.

WWWWWHre'ssssss MMMMMMMcEuuuuuuuro???

Sums up the Squad Perfectly

Saw this ad at http://hvattum.net/index.php/2007/03/08/more-creative-ads/ ,and immediately thought of the Bender Squad's pursuit of divine buffoonery;





Hope I haven't given Dangerous and Helmet any smart idea's.

FA Cup Approaching

It's been a while since the last all out bender, there have been several sessions in between, but that will be put right in just under a fortnight when the annual FA Cup bender happens on the 19th of May. This year we have pencilled in the Queens hotel in Bradford, but if the weather is nice, and the game is on the big screen, we may watch the game al fresco in Centenary Square outside Bradford town hall. We are expecting a healthy turn out, but already there has been one casualty. Jamon will be stuck on a plane returning from Majorca, and will be unable to attend. It is also looking touch and go for brother Shouty, so be prepared for another Save Our Shouty campaign. On the plus side Semi-On has almost returned to full erectness, and will be warmly welcomed back into the fold. To the rest of you, see you on the 19th.

Rejected

In an effort to help tackle climate change, I attempted to post a petition on the governments online site. Unfortunately they did not take me seriously, and rejected it. Below is both the reason for rejection, and the petition I was hoping to put live online;

Hi, I'm sorry to inform you that your petition has been rejected. Your petition was classed as being in the following categories: * Intended to be humorous, or has no point about government policy

You have four weeks in which to do this, after which your petition will appear in the list of rejected petitions.

Your petition reads:

We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to: 'combat global warming by converting Her Majestys Navy warships into galleons and staffing them with pirates, as preached by Church of the FSM' In accordance with the teachings of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the rise in global warming can be directly attributed to the decreasing number of pirates who sail the seven seas. By kitting out all of the navies warships as galleons, and transforming our sailors to pirates, a huge step can be taken to restore the ozone layer to its former glory. It would also address falling recruitment levels , as pirates are cool.

-- the ePetitions team

Will the Elster Like it?

Everyone knows I fancy myself as a bit of a pirate like geezer. But up until now I have had no where to keep my rum safe in a stylish, nautical manner. Till now. Brother Jamon has scoured the seven seas to find this, quite frankly, astonishing piece of furniture to house my aforementioned bottles of grog. HURRAH, I hear you cry, but wait! The evil M.R.S may have something to say about the latest addition to our front room. That's right, a name to strike fear into the heart of any self respecting pirate, may, unbelievably, not have the same feeling. I suspect the Elster may not share my enthusiasm for my new drinks trolley, and will try to banish to the garage! I fear a battle to the death is about to be joined.

JMF get Six of the Best

From the lowest ebb to highest high, the Elite put the shambles of last weeks performance behind them, to ease to a six goal victory last night. The usual slow start of the Elite, saw the JMF march to an early four goal lead, but Euros makeshift team stuck to the task, unlike previous weeks. Clogs and Shotgun began to open cracks in the JMF defence, and soon dragged the Elite back to level pegging, as the game entered its decisive stage. The scoring was equally shared between the sides over the next quarter of an hour, the turning point coming as the mighty Elite opened a three goal advantage. The JMF committed everything to attack, and with Funky and Leftys lack of match fitness becoming evident, spaces were being left wide open at the back, that the Elite readily took advantage. Shouty, Euro, the Mercenary, Clogs and even Shotgun racked up the goals, and a landslide victory of epic proportions was only averted due to the shooting skills of Dead Eye. Hope springs eternal, and yet again the Elite have risen to the occasion, when all seemed lost. Can the JMF sausage jockeys reign of terror be halted? Tune in next week to find out.

2007 Season

• JMF wins -11
• Euro Elite - 6
• Draws - 1

Big Shake up Down the Wood.

With Manchester United playing this evening, there are numerous changes to the team line ups tonight. For the Gaylord JMF, Lefty replaces Queen Dave and the ever so fruity Funky, fresh from his taxi antics, makes his return. For the righteous elite, the Mercenary changes his spots yet again, and Mark "Clogs" Ahmed returns as cover for Young Gaz and JohnnyMedia.

McMay Day

Happy McMay day! After last weeks McOdyssey aid, it's back to business. For the record McKing Dave guessed I was in McHollywood, California. This weeks McPrize fund stands at a princely total of one pound. So without further delay;

Wwwwwwwwwhere'sssss MMMMMMMMcEuuuuuuroo??