Killer Keister

Hello ass fans, I know it's been a week or two (maybe even three) but late is better than never, so with apologies, this weeks Killer Keisters. As ever time is at a premium, so enjoy, particularly item four on the list, this weeks G.A.S. specially chosen for brother Shouty, who likes 'em up close with a hint of pussy.

Wood Round-up

Once again time has been at a premium, where the chuff does it go? Of course, as you may well have noticed, I am two weeks behind on the Wood 12 reporting, and need to catch up, as in a couple of hours, we kick off this weeks game. So briefly, a quick report of the last two weeks. Week one was not a good week for the Righteous Euro boys. A patched up team looked to be over matched from the start, and the JMF ran out easy winners, with a returning Dead Eye on top form, in stark comparison to an uber grumpy Crespo. This brought about a threat of retirement from our lanky front man, and he needed to be coerced into playing the week after. So the MoFo had regained parity with mighty Euro boys, and had a chance to take a lead at the start of last weeks game. But it was the Elite who took back the lead with the return of, once again, the good Dr Shotgun. The Frank Sinatra of the Wood, Shotgun returned to the fold, after swearing it was the end of the line at the end of the 2011 campaign. And he was up for it, scoring several goals, as the Righteous ran out comfortable winners over the MoFo. Once again I shall strive, and probably fail, to get back into the zone as far as the weekly report goes, especially if my lottery numbers come up tonight, and I can once again reclaim my time for me.

JMF wins - 5

Euro Elite - 6


Draws - 2

Killer Keisters

Now then ass fans, been a while..... So by why of apology please accept this these sultry six sirens. Now usually I'd frame each shot with some pithy nonsense, but yet again time is getting away from me. Where the fuck does it go?? Hey ho, just the way of the world when you hit a certain age I suppose... These shots are all reposted from a tumblr site I found called The Infinite Ache. A very sexy site. Enjoy.

Catch Up

It has been a while, so there is rather a lot to catch up on. Firstly the JMF. Even though the Righteous probably are the slightly older team, it is the MoFo how have been subject to an injury crisis. Dead Eye missed three weeks with a back problem, as well as team captain Jamon, who was laid up with (quell suprise) an arse malfunction. Feel free to insert your own rent boy joke, see if you can CRACK a smile. This resulted in some very interesting line ups for the forces of evil, some of whom I had never met before, and chances are, shall never meet again. On the other hand the core of the Righteous Euro boys remained in tact, bar the odd drop out, which of course saw us win the majority of these games, opening a two game advantage in the process. But this week saw the line ups pretty much as they are meant to be, bar a return appearance from the Shoutster. It was a close game, and a good game, barring the quality of keeping. The Octopus and the Shoutster let in some howlers, as did King Dave, but Jamon 's catch, twirl and deposit in his own goal was by far the worst, or best, depending on which side you follow. But yet again, it was the finishing of Dead Eye that won the day for the nefarious gender benders in red. This victory drags them back to within a solitary game, as 2012 remains a nip and tuck affair. Hopefully I have broken the spell of procrastination that has hung over me the past few weeks, and will endevour to return to weekly postings.
2012 Season

Line ups

JMF- King Dave, Luklear War, Jamon, Dead Eye and Mercenary

Euro Elite- Euro Bri, Crespo, Big Phil da Octopus, Clogs and Shouty

JMF wins - 4

Euro Elite - 5


Draws - 2

Close, but not Close Enough

Crikey, that was a close call. For a change it was the Righteous Elite who were forced to field a late replacement, and as is usually the case, the team which fielded it's standard side ran out the winners. Just. Up till the 55 minute mark, the game was in the balance, all square and up for grabs. It had been a stellar display from the lads in white, as the MoFo were held at bay time and again. Then the Child Catcher went airborne, and lost his way a bit. To be fair he bounced straight back up, but a landing like that had to hurt, and it was just enough to give the man lovinbg Neanderthals the chance they needed. We slightly lost our shape, and left the Octopus exposed in nets, and the jig was up. A four goal win was a harsh scoreline on the valiant Euro boys, but a win is a win, and as we roll into February, the scores on the doors are all square.

Octopus versus Dolphin

Yet again both marine creatures gave there all, but it has to be the Delphinidae Delphis who snuck it by a bottle nose. The Octopus was good, but Flipper had his eye in, and it was his goals that won it in the end.

Moment of Match

A magnificent spell between the sticks by Euro Bri, featuring some gravity defying saves, would usually have been enough to win the weekly accolade, but hands down last weeks worthy winner was the Child Catcher. The young fella leaped into stratosphere in an effort to pull off......well none of us are sure what, but the laddo got himself some height, and then done some half arsed kind off wriggle stoke flip, before landing with an Almighty twhack on the hard vinyl floor. Allmof us thought he was seriousley hurt, but he bounced back up like nowt had happened.

2012 Season

Line ups

JMF- King Dave, Luklear War, Jamon, Dead Eye and Mercenary

Euro Elite- Euro Bri, Speedy Joe, Big Phil da Octopus, Clogs and Child Catcher

JMF wins - 2

Euro Elite - 2


Draws - o

Killer Keisters

A quick one, as I have purloined the Elsters lap top, and she wouldn't be happy with me loading up a pile of arse on it. So here we go, although I have loaded the backwards, with a G.A.S. shot first. But I can hear her coming, so till next time, enjoy!

JMF or JFM?

JMF? Should have been JFM, as in Just Fucking Met, as not one, not two, but three new recruits were drafted in by the shirt lifters, as three of there core members cried off with a variety of arse related ailments. Aki, Slippery Sean and Child Catchers brother were the draftees brought in to shore up the team. The new look Righteous were all present, and from the off were too much for the patched up MoFo. It's been said many a time, but the team that sticks together wins together, and although it was a good effort from our opponents, the Euro boys understanding and team work were always going to be a tall order. Even some questionable score keeping from Luklear War could not jerry mander a result for the forces of evil, and the game was always in hand.

Dolphin versus Octopus

A good game by both sea goers saw the game within the game finish honours even. I was tempted to give it to Octopus, after my shin pads were assaulted by one of King Daves size 200 flippers, but the dorsal finned one did put in quite a shift. Score draw.

2012 Season

Line ups

JMF- King Dave, Luklear War, Slippery, Aki and Catcher

Euro Elite- Euro Bri, Crespo, Big Phil da Octopus, Clogs and Child Catcher

JMF wins - 1

Euro Elite - 2


Draws - o

Killer Keisters

Now then ass fans, how are we all doing? Better now that I have pulled my finger out and got a new post up no doubt. Of course I am still struggling to keep up, as you guessed it, my PC is still awaiting repair. Butt I am going to do my best to get back to weekly posting, and first up is this cheeky little minx showing off her gorgeous, pert little keister.

Next up, two for the price of one, a little girl on girl, just because I know you like it. Follwed up by fine looking blonde..

Last but not least, a big juicy G.A.S. shot, and this one is a house warming gift for the Shoutster, a pair of curtains to go with that arse.

New Look Righteous Prevail

Last week I had the sad task of reporting that The Right Honourable Shouty had forgone his starting place in the Righteous Elite. But considering his eminent move to Leeds, hardly surprising. However the news I received later in the week was straight out of left field. Elite stalwart Dr Shotgun announced his retirement with immediate effect. This left us shy of our main Jamon baiter, and left us without our attacking dynamo. Although he could never be accused of being clinical in the finishing department, his honest endevour and intelligent running to open spaces will be sorely missed.

On to the game. A new look Elite started as underdogs, as the nefarious MoFo fielded their starting five. Recent history suggests that teams breaking in a new line up invariably lose to the more settled opponent. But the boys in white were up for it big time, and with the help of new signings Child Catcher and Big Phil the Octopus not only held their own, but forged a lead that the JMF found hard to counter. But with ten minutes or so remaining they had dragged themselves back into the fray. The game could have turned either way, but at the final bell, the Righteous had prevailed by a single score.

2012 Season

Line ups

JMF- Jamon, Luklear War, Dead Eye, The Mercenary and Child Catcher

Euro Elite- Euro Bri, Crespo, Big Phil da Octopus, Shouty and Child Catcher

JMF wins - 1

Euro Elite - 1


Draws - o

Bender Alert

A quick heads up concerning the first shindig of 2012. Six of us are heading down the Smoke for a bit of a knees up on the 10th of Feb. The occasion is to watch the Mighty Bantams take on the real Dons, aka AFC Wimbledon in a League Two clash on the 11th, but as ever that will be incidental to a couple of days on the lash round old London Town. Digs and train tickets are all ready booked, so anyone who wants to tag along needs to get a wriggle on. Any queries give me a holler.

Shouty Swansong Scuppered

A new year means a new season, and the campaign to be crowned King of the Wood 2012 began with two shocks. The first shock was the bombshell announcement from the Shoutster that he was to relinquish his starting position for the champion Euro Elite. A move to Leeds means the cash strapped destroyer can no longer afford to make it on a weekly basis. His spot has been kept in the family, as the Octopus will now be a full timer. The other shock was the ineptitude of the Euro boys display. Shouty aside, it was abysmal. I think the final advantage was as high as ten, as the festive depredations weighed much heavier on the boys in white, than the shandy drinking, pussy whipped metro sexuals of the evil JMF. Fifty one weeks of bickering, MoFo cheating and the odd burst of skill lie ahead of us, But first blood to the female dodgers.

2012 Season

Line ups

JMF- Jamon, Luklear War, Dead Eye, The Mercenary and Child Catcher

Euro Elite- Euro Bri, Crespo, Big Phil da Octopus, Shouty and Dr Shotgun

JMF wins - 1

Euro Elite - 0


Draws - o

Happy New Rear!

Now I know it's been a while, and it is also a bit late in the day to be wishing all of you a happy new year, but things have been seriously hectic since I last posted on my blog, but I am aiming to pull I finger out, and get back on track in 2012. So this is pretty much a round up of what's gone down over the last twelve months.

Wood Champions 2011

From a seemingly hopeless position in late July, the Mighty Righteous Euro Boys clawed their way back into contention, and ran out easy winners in the battle against the nefarious knob jockeys of the JMF. If I am not mistaken it was a huge swing from a six game deficit to a five game advantage. A big well done to all my teammates, even Crespo who at one point seemed ready to capitulate to the forces of evil. And to the JMF a big "In your face, LOSERS!"

Bender of the Year

A fallow year, as the arrival of new babies the previous year, financial constraints and housing moves saw the Bender Squads resolve to live it large tested to the maximum. This saw numbers and aspirations reigned in, big time. In fact there was only one foreign jaunt, as myself and Shouty took off to Berlin for a rendezvous with the Swiss branch of the Bender Squad, namely the Major and Downhill. The other was a swift sojourn to the Big Smoke, aka London town, for Crespos 30th. A jolly good time indeed. So this year I have declared a draw, as both were of an equal standard.

Winner- Berlin and London

Squad Member of the Year

Although his moaning on a five a side court is painful, this years award goes to Crespo, who despite seeing a downturn in his finances, continues to make himself available for most of our shenanigan fueled evenings. His efforts and sacrifices are appreciated. Runner up this year goes to the squads preeminent Spurs fan, and our favourite Swiss geezer, The Major. It finally looks like a few of us will be making it out to Basel this year, and finally make good on our promise.

Winner- Crespo

Runner up- The Major

Newcomer of the Year

Due to the lack of candidates this year, I shall leave this award unfilled.

Le Grande Buffoon 2011

Not a stellar year, which was always going to result in a surprise winner, due to the lack of action. It was a close run thing in the end, Dessi's antics on the sub continent were just pipped by El Grande Queso's cumulative efforts over the 12 months running from October 2010 till October 2011. This year was also shaping up to be a rather skinny year, but it is suddenly looking a bit healthier, and I shall get up to date in a full post later in the week.

Winner- El Grande Queso

And that's pretty much 2011 all wrapped up. My PC is still getting repaired, but I am not going to use this as an excuse, and my one new year resolution is to get back on track with keeping this site up to date. It would be a shame to let it peter out after five years. Here's to 2012!

Double Trouble

Well who would have thunk it? After weeks of serenely collecting victories, on what seemed to be a pretty straight forward path to glory. But the MoFo have suddenly found some backbone, and have got themselves well back into the running. The previous week was one of those evenings when all on the Righteous Elite decided to play like shite, and the resulting loss was expected to be nothing but a mere irritation, prolonging our imminent crowning as Lords of the Wood. But this Wednesday just gone was a different kettle of fish indeed. The boys in white played well, and after overturning an early JMF lead, all seemed set for a cruise to victory. But then it all went pear shaped. The MoFo must have laid down some form of curse, as all of a sudden, anything they struck goal ward seemed to go in. And the majority of them were pretty ugly scores. Spins of hands, air shots from Shouty and evasive action from Crespo, saw the most powder puff of shots find the back of the net. But football is not a beauty pageant, and the final score was a comfortable win for the JMF. This means the Euro boys hold a solitary game advantage, with only five matches left to play. Squeaky bum time, which means there are sure to be some rum altercations over the next few weeks.

2011 Season

JMF wins - 20

Euro Elite - 21


Draws - 6

Killer Keisters

Hello ass fans, and welcome gto this weeks Killer Keisters. Once again it needs to be short and sweet, as the Elster doesn't like me saving arse shots on her lap top. But she is out, and what she don't know won't land me in strife, so shhhhhhh..... This weeks offerings are all courtesy of http://callipygian.tumblr.com/ featuring some classic G.A.S. pics. Enjoy.

Because my names on it

A second entry for the "Because my names on it" thread. I have never seen the fella actually eat an olive (all he seems to eat is sausages), but if he did, this would have to be his favourite brand.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Killer Keisters

I know it's been a couple of weeks since the last Keister thread, so this week, for your delectation, five proud and pert posteriors to bring some sunshine on a dull foggy West Yorkshire afternoon.

Nearly Forgot...Again!

A quick update on doings down the Wood. Last week was a cats cock hair away from being cancelled, but young child catcher manged to pull a couple of young chaps out of thin air, meaning it was game on. Know the teams were much changed on both sides, so much so that I didn't even know who a couple of 'em where. But the result was the same, meaning the great turn around continues. From the depths of despair in late spring, to a three game advantage in mid November, the Nefarious JMF need to pick up some wins soon, or it could all be over.

2011 Season

JMF wins - 18

Euro Elite - 21


Draws - 6

Killer Keisters-Mobile test

Hello arse fans. With my desktop still in Geevers boot, I have decided to attempt posting from my phone. So to test it out with a picture of the little minx who bewitched me so much from the sides of buses a few weeks back. It appears she has changed her shorts, and is using her pert ass to tempt buyers from the shelves of Debenhams.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Righteous Rise Continues

My, my, how the JMF have slumped over the past few weeks. They did put up a brave show, but the Euro boys always had to much in the tank, and at the death ran out easy winners. I aim to get back into gear as far as the match reports, and the blog in general go, but work commitments have been making great demands on my time. So sorry for the brevity, and I shall try to make more time to keep this site up to date, but the road to ruin is paved with good intention......

2011 Season

JMF wins - 18

Euro Elite - 20


Draws - 6

Killer Keisters

Some nice random Keisters to tide you over till I get my machine up and running.