Olympic Bender

What a weekend.  From start to finish it was a blinder, full of buffoonery and memories not to be forgotten.  I shall write up the stupidity part in a separate blog, as there was quite a bit, and there should be some movement on the old race for the Maillot Jaune standings.  The Beach Volleyball was brilliant, the setting inspirational.  A temporary stand set up on the Horse Guards Parade afforded epic views, ranging from Nelson's column to the London Eye, with most of Whitehall squeezed in between.  The games were pretty good, although the Chinese team USA pairing pretty much owned their opponents.  Prize for the pertest posteriors went to the Italians, although the dancing girls who came out when the competitors took a break were stunning (apart from the two male dancers, but hey they made Crespo smile)

The first night we were in Hyde Park, for the free big screens.  Major and Downhill had spent quite a chunk of the afternoon there, and we would have been the earlier, if it weren't for the Shoutster, who had conspired to loose our left luggage ticket, which I shall elaborate on more when I do a score update.  We watched Jess Ennis win her medal, but the £5 for a pint of Heineken soon saw us make a break for the delights of Soho, where we watched Mo Farrah claim his gold.  The rest of the evening is a bit hazy, but we were all wide eyed and bushy tailed on Sunday morning, as we embarked on an epic day.  Covent Garden was where we warmed up for the day ahead, watching Andy Murray take the gold, much to the Majors surprise (and everyone in the pub).  After the Volleyball we once again hit Soho, and then Leicester Square.  A couple of the lads were worse for wear the next day, but when you fall asleep on a tube, get off at the wrong station and forget the name and the location of your hotel, you really only have yourself to blame....

I have uploaded a gallery that can be visited by clicking here. Olympics 2012

Olympic Keister

Hello Arse fans, how the devil are we?  Good? Well I know I am, as after what seems an age, I have gathered together a crack squad of bon vivants, for a Bender of  Olympic proportions.  Later today we begin our quest to London, culminating in beach side seats on Sunday for every-bodies favourite sandy sport, Ladies beach Volleyball.

Of course there of those amongst you, who will think it is yet another excuse for us to go and letch at scantily clad lovelies fuck around in the sand.  For shame!  We have been huge fans of this sport and are keen  studiers of strategy and tactics, paying particular notice to the hand sides made over their oh so lovely keisters....

Any way, time is short (yet again) so I will sign off for now, but hope to have a full report of the weekends shenanigans some time Tuesady.

As you were...

Two weeks, two victories, one a piece, means there is still a three game gap between the evil testicle sniffers of the JMF, and the heroic righteousness of the Euro boys.  I don't really have much else to add (something that Dead Eye has been struggling with of late), as to be quite honest, I am yet again pressed for time.  The JMF victory was a blow out, they won by around 9 goals, if memory serves.  The Righteous win was by a smaller margin, but it keeps us with in striking distance, with plenty of games to go.

2012 Season

JMF wins- 16

Euro wins- 13

Draws- 3

Le Maillott Jaune 2011 Champion

As promised, better late than never, the 2011 recipient of the Maillott Jaune for Buffoon of the Year goes too....... Le Grand Queso!

In the build up to the announcement of the 2012 winner in August, I shall add the Fromaggio to the Hall of Fame.

Le Grand Buffoon 2012

Now then, bet you thought I had forgotten all about the annual race for the Bender squad race for Le Maillot Jaune.  Nothing could be further from the truth, however there have been a distinct lack of  benders, shindigs or soirees since October, so the chances of being caught out, or of even doing anything stoopid, have been thin on the ground.  But there have been a few moments worthy of reporting.

First up, and to date the only ten pointer to date this year, comes via the blonde bomb shell and former winner, John the Don.  For those of you unaware, he was banned for drink driving a while since.  After 12 months of being ferried around, he decided to drive over to Belfast on business.  On his arrival back in Liverpool docks, there was a random stop check for red diesel.  When it came time to check the Don's documentation, something was found to be astray.  He was banned not for twelve months, but 14, and due to his oversight was still illegal to drive.  For his efforts he was granted bed and breakfast in a Merseyside jail, and had his ban extended by an extra 4 months.  The muppet...

Next up is brother Sprocket, aka Jonesey.  We had a weekend Bender booked to go around London town in February.  Jonesey was well up for it, and rang me up to confirm dates, so he could work out his work schedule and book time off.  But as usual, he paid no attention to what I said, and booked off the wrong weekend.  He gains another point for trying to laugh it off as a two pointer.  Try 7 ya noodle...

Last of the tales worth telling is of the Grand Fromaggio.  Whilst on the London trip mentioned above, he got separated, or abandoned, depending on which tale you which to believe, from the rest of the party, and was the last on to arrive back at our digs.  Now it was the coldest day of the year, and when we woke up, the curly numpty was curled up under a towel.  "What have yo wankers done with my duvet?" he accused.  Lobon snorted, and I reached over and tugged on the warm, fluffy duvet he had slept on top of all night.   Worth 4 points say I.

The rest of the scoring has been pretty low key.  Geevers running away from his train home, and spending three hours asleep in an alley, 3 points.  Shouty and Dangerous Pete have lost their phones, an automatic two pointer, and myself and Shouty getting on the wrong train in Amsterdam would have been worth a lot more points, if we hadn't been given the heads up by a Polish geezer.  Worth a point each.

And that's about it for the scoring.  The winner is announced on the 31st of October, and with a lack of action on the Bender front, it could be hard to displace John the Don from his current perch.  As for uploading the customary winner in a jellow jersey photo, I aim to have Le Grande Queso on here in the next week or so.  Current table reads thus;

1. John the Don- 10 points
2. Jonesey- 7 points
3. El Grande Queso- 4 points
4. Shouty- 3 points
5. Geevers- 3 points
6. Dangerous Pete- 2 points
7. Euro Bri- 1 point

Get off the Road!

Now I haven't had a good old moan for a while, but there seems to be some strange trend going on in the Bradford area.  A bunch of folk seem to think they are some form of motor vehicle.  Either that or invisible cars have been invented, and nobody thought to tell me.  I could understand this if we lived in a bustling mega city, but we don't.  There is plenty of room on the pavement, yet time and again I have to slow down or swerve, for some clown ambling along the road without a care in the world.  Why?  The worst culprit is without a shadow of a doubt, the "Clayton Waddler" a rather large woman who trundles up the middle of the road at very slow rate of knots.  In the summer it's bad enough, but in the middle of darkest winter, it's a miracle nobody has knocked her over.  She dresses in the darkest colours, and topped with the fact she is of Carribean descent, makes her nigh on invisible.  Crackers she is....

Killer Keisters

Hola Muchachos, and Muchachas. Are you ready for some Keister?  Of course you are!  Why else would you be here?  I have decided on a pale theme for this session, and what is paler than a Celtic red headed? A ginner of course.  But don't fear, I have stuck with the flame haired beauty below, who appears to be mostly freckle free.

Next up some thing Scandinavian I think.  I wasn't sure about this one, but it's a fine tushy, and it will appeal to those with a fetish for naked birds in high heels.

This one ticks plenty of my boxes.  Super fine arse? Check.  Thigh high stockings? Check.  Loin stirring?  Quadruple check.  This one definitely floats my boat....

Last but not least, the weeks G.A.S.  A lovely pale bottom, that looks like it's about to see some action.  Champion.  Till next time.....

On the Comeback Trail?

I have got two weeks worth of catching up to do, as I was unable to write up last weeks clash.  So to catch up on the earlier game, a draw.  yet again the mighty Righteous appeared to be cruising towards a vital victory, but managed to implode, and in the end were lucky to hold out for the stalemate.  This with a pretty strong line up, so when injuries took their toll this week, we were looking odds on to go behind by five games.  Clogs was out, along with Dribbling Dan and Dr Shotgun is still a week or so away from being able to participate.  Late call ups Salty and Bazooka Joe were worthy substitutions, but we had to draft in a sports hall worker as our fifth player, as I failed to find another laker.  The omens were not good, and the outlook for the valiant boys in white was even grimmer after an early goal burst by the shirt lifters saw the score 4-1 at the first goalie change.  But then the goal tide was stemmed, and slowly but surely the Euro boys chipped away at the lead, and quite a game ensued.  Young Nathan, our late call up, started to find the back of the net, and we were all square.  At this point the Octopus pulled up lame, and again the sun appeared to shine on the rancid backside of the Nefarious JMF.  But the Righteous hung tough, and despite some eccentric goal keeping from our resident cephalopod, went a goal up.  With the clock ticking down, and the MoFo committed to getting an equalizer, Bazooka broke away and smashed in a beauty.  This took the wind out of the female dodgers sails, and another score, by yours truly, earned the gallant Euro boys a most unexpected victory.  The start of a comeback perhaps???

2012 Season

JMF wins- 15

Euro wins- 12

Draws- 3

Euro on the Euros

First up the football.  Spain are a great side, but are a bit boring.  They are like Barcelona without Messi, which to all intent purposes they are.  It's nice too know the Germans have a bogey team.  Seems the Italians are the Krauts Kryptonite, and for me their semi final was the most entertaining game of the competition.  And who doesn't take a smidgen of pleasure from the French falling out with them selves?  As for our boys? I feel they are not as bad as we all think they are.  My suspicion is a rampant inferiority complex at International level, which I fear will consign them to failure for the duration of my life.  As for the rest?  Portugal like to fall over a lot, Ibrahimovic is a twat and the Dutch are shite.

But enough of the football.  What about the punditry?  Since Brian Clough hung up his mic back in the early Eighties, the BBC has pretty much had their wicked way with bland ITV coverage.  Who can forget such disasters as Gazza?  Now the BBC has also had some pretty iffy contributions of their own.  This is the station that gave Jamie Redknapp his start, for heavens sake, but by and by they have won hands down.  Till now.  Roy Keane may talk absolute garbage, but the glower he gives Chiles every time he talks garbage (which is pretty much constantly) is price less.  And  the way he dismissed the Irish effort was brilliant.  This from the man who walked out on his team mates on the eve of the 2002 World Cup.  His double act with Carragher was excellent.  In fact I thought the Liverpool defender was the revelation of the whole tournament.  He made his points eloquently and his insights were well thought out and showed a fine understanding of the game.  Of course the down side was it's delivery, in a high pitched Scouse accent that was not easy on the old lug holes.  I also like Martinez, although his inability to confess that, final apart, his home nation were boring, is a black mark against him.

So what about good old Auntie?  I am afraid complacency had definitely set in.  Hanson has become something of a caricature, and came across as pretty lazy, especially when paired up with Alan Shearer.  Why they persevere Mr Shearer is quite the mystery.  Boring, predictable and a tendency to interrupt more engaging colleagues, I am afraid it's time he was left to work on his golf handicap.  Lawrenson was much like his former Liverpool teammate, and never really got out of second gear.  But just when you thought the commercial channel had got the best of them, they pulled out a couple of foreign trump cards.  Klinsmann was witty and urbane, but even he paled next to Vialli, who mangled the English language, but was brilliant.  I loved his ketchup analogy in particular.

So an honourable draw?  I am afraid not, and it all comes down to one man.  Adrian Chiles.  As I alluded to earlier, this buffoon is garbage.  He brings nothing to the table, and his over bearing blind panic act concerning England was woeful.  I am sure he sleeps well on the millions ITV paid to entice him from the Beeb, but all the money in the world can not disguise the simple fact that the man is a complete and utter knob.

Roll on Brazil 2014........

A Couple of German Jaunts

Now I know there are a few of you out there who figure we have been to Germany enough times, so if you are one these fellas, fuck off, there will be a post concerning an American trip that might be more up your alley.  As for you Germanophiles and/or 1860 fans, listen up.  Firstly Derr Oktoberfest.  Now I know a few of us have already been before, but come on, it's a right laugh.  Beer, Wurst and buxom wenches?  I struggle to see any flaws.  But there is also another reason for revisiting the worlds most visited festival.  Geevers is turning 40.  Now for those of you who don't know Geevers, this is something of an El Dorado for him.  During his four decades on this planet, he has been thwarted at every turn in his attempt to realize his dream of clunking steins and huge sausage, and I am proclaiming 2013 as the year we put this wrong right.

As for the second visit.  Or should that be the first?  Because after several years of waiting for the fixture list to be kind to us, it appears our prayers have been answered.  In the very fine month of April, just as winter is retreating, the mighty Lions are playing St Pauli away.  For those of you unfamiliar with German footy, this means a trip to the fine city of Hamburg, and the party Mecca of the Reeperbahn.  I am pretty sure I can count on at least six guys, but as ever, the more the merrier..

Bendership 2012

This year, as you probably know, the Sun Dream Team competition was free to enter.  Now for the past few seasons, this has been the Fantasy Football set up we have used to determine the Bender Squad king of all football.  Whilst it was always well entered, despite the charge, this year we had an explosion of new players.  The question was, would the big three be broken?  The last four year have seen machine and Big JB win twice each, while Euro Bri has been runner-up for the past for years.  Could the new entries fell the grizzled veterans?  The answer was....Hell Yeah!  I manged to hold onto to fourth, but big Bad Dessi finished third, an 1860 compadre of mine filled out the runners up spot, but all were left bobbing in the wake of Jonesy, who despite a mediocre start, lead pretty much from Christmas till the final game.  Machine was left floundering in mid-table, and Big JB finished a distant fifth.  The wooden spoon goes to Meatball, whose ineptitude at picking a decent XI was quite frankly staggering.  Even Crespo beat him.  So as much as it pains me to say it, well done to KC, who takes the title out of Bradford for the first time, ushering it up the M62 to Castleford, and earning a place on the Roll of Honour;

• 2012- Jonesy
• 2011- Big JB
• 2010- Machine
• 2009- Machine
• 2008- Big John B
• 2007- Lobon
• 2006- Shouty

  As soon as the new game goes live, I shall facebook out all the invitation for the 2013 campaign. 

Missed Opportunity

We had it in the bag, a healthy lead early on (which we blew) a comeback, and a goal lead, with only seconds left.  Only to be undone by one of our own.  Bazooka Joe is usually a fill in for the Righteous boys in white, but so pathetic has the turn out been for the nefarious JMF, that we had to give him up so we could get a game.  Of course I didn't expect him to blast in the equalizer bang on the bell, depriving the Euro boys a much needed victory.  The scoundrel.....

2012 Season

JMF wins- 8

Euro wins- 11

Draws- 3

Slowly but Surely

Still getting used to having my trusty old desk top back, and combine that with a hangover, fathers day and a tendency towards idleness and.....well, you get the picture.  I do however have some time off (fingers crossed) later in the week, and hope to catch up on the essentials, namely the crowning of last years Le Grand Buffoon, and an update on how the race for 2012 is shaping up.  There is also news on a couple of benders planned for 2013, one to the US of A, and another to the Shangri-La of beer drinking, the Munich Oktoberfest.  More to follow.....

Killer Keisters

Hello ass fans! I know you are wondering where I have been, and to be honest I have been all over the place, but now I am back. And in the mood for some fine Keister. Big Gratuitous Ass Shots (G.A.S.) to be precise. Now my old hard drive has been wiped clean, so you may have to be a little patient as I build up some stock, so this week, for brother Shouty, my recent traveling companion, a quadruple helping of extreme close ups.  

Wood Round-up

Now I am not going to even attempt to give a blow by blow account of the shenanigans that have gone on down the Wood over the last eight weeks or so, but I will outline the main topics of discussion, and give a score update.  The first item on the agenda is the gayness of the JMF.  They still love cock, and run a mile from owt that possesses a vagina.  And they still cheat like fuck.  Secondly, after a long spell of grumpiness, Crespo has called it quits.  Since this decision, we think he has finally been laid, but he has stuck to his guns, which means the rest of the Righteous Elite get to touch the ball a lot more.  The return of Dr Shotgun was short lived, although there is no definite plan of retirement (again), a reckless challenge by young Child Catcher has left him injured, and unavailable for selection.  As for the scores?  The arse pummelers have actually turned it around, through a combination of Jamon being locked in solitary, and blind luck.  They currently sport a three game lead, although there is plenty of time for this to be over turned.  From this week, I shall attempt to return to the weekly match report.

That Took Some Doing!

Buenos Dias Muchachos, it has been, like forever!  Geevers finally confessed he couldn't be arsed, so I got a young work colleague on the case, and hey Presto, I got my desk top back.  No offense to the old iPad, or the lap top, but this shite is much easier on a proper PC.  Of course this means I gots lots to catch up on, and it is smack in the middle of the Euro's.  I do however have the weekend off, so hangover permitting, I can get started come Saturday.  I can't even cheer y'all up with a Killer Keister, as my hard drive has been wiped.

KIller Keister

Sorry for the lack of Arse action over the last few weeks. I am still trying to figure out how to upload from my iPad, which to be quite frank has left a tad underwhelmed. On the PC front I may well have found an alternative to Geevers as a repairman. His new business venture is taking up all of his time, so I aim to get a work colleague to give it the once over. f course this means nothing to you lot, have have been starved of any Killer Keisters over the last few weeks. I shall endeavour to correct this over the coming months....

Wood Round-up

Right, I have three weeks worth to catch up on. The last few weeks have seen numerous line up changes, as both sides have struggled to field a settled starting five. So instead of elaborating on each game, I aim to provide an overview of whats been going on. First up the score lines. The JMF won this mini rubber 2 games to 1, although last nights game was marred by an early injury to the Phoenix like Dr Shotgun. Over the period of reporting, he has been nothing short of a revelation in front of goal. The biggest surprise has been his deadliness in one on one situations with keeper. There was a time when you would have bet the house on the sports centre roof being battered by the ball, but over the last three weeks it has been the netting that has trembled in fear. Alas, an over the top challenge by the Child Catcher has put the good doctor out of action for a few weeks.

So that's where we stand at quarter point of the 2012 season. One up to the Righteous, with all to play for. The biggest fear for the Euro boys is the lack of a settled side. Shotguns injury, coupled with Crespos grumpiness will soon be compounded by a three week absence of Euro Bri. But we shall worry about that in May....

.

2012 Season

JMF wins- 7

Euro wins- 8

Draws- 2

Tetchy Affair

So far this year, things have been reasonably cordial down the Wood. But not last week, as the hour proved to be a most tetchy affair. Which was surprising considering Jamon was not playing. The game started out well enough, and the evil MoFo opened a bit of a lead, everything they hit seemed to go in. But as the Righteous began to drag themselves back into the game, the mood soured. Especially between Dead Eye and Crespo. They would seem to have taken over the most argumentative opponents from Shotgun and Jamon, who seem to have mellowed since the Doctors return. A proper bitch fest indeed. After the three quarter mark, it was very much nip and tuck, both sides nudging in front, only to be pulled back. Child catcher, now turning out for the lady dodgers, scored a couple of beauties, but a final burst from the Euro boys finally opened a lead that was not to be overturned.

2012 Season

JMF wins- 5

Euro wins- 7

Draws- 2

JMF- Dead Eye, Luklear War, King Dave, Radders and Child Catcher

Euro E- Euro Bri, Clogs, Crespo, Dr Shotgun and Shouty

iSuppose it might work

Now this is not your usual post, well for me it's not, as it is being done from my new iPad. This is hopefully going to help me pick up the pace on my posting, as Geevers is still getting around to sorting out the old desk top, which considering that his is now broken also, doesnt bode well for an imminent return. Hey ho. So far so good, but I still havent quite figured out how to add pics and stuff. Or as you have probably gathered, the spell checker. So here goes nowt........