Buffoon Season Starts Early

With this April being the warmest on record, silly season has started early this year. After Funky's taxi shenanigans last weekend, Crespo and Tony helmet have got in on the act. Tony has bet Crespo £50 he will not shave prior to the 29th of May. The picture to the right shows the handsome one's chin as it now appears, and I will be posting updates. John the Don is also undertaking a Mediterranean cruise in a few weeks time, which you just know is going to be laden with buffoonery on an epic scale, but alas he is going alone, so most will go unreported. With this flurry of activity, I have decided to list a current top five, in ranking order, for the race to the 2007 Le Maliott Jaune;

1. Funky-the Taxi incident has made him a strong early contender for this years award.



2. G Spot-the Skipton trip may have been in 2006, but the award for that year had already been given out, so it was decide to carry over to this year. Another incident involving a Taxi. Cabs appear to be a breeding ground for grade A idiocy.



3. Shouty-the Scunthorpe trip was passing off without incident until we reached Bradford. The recent rule change has catapulted this dark horse back into the frame. Lost his house keys and various other paraphernalia whilst out with Meatball and Crespo. Scores extra bonus points for ending up in Lyngards.



4. John the Don- nothing to report for this year, yet. Instinct tells me he is holding something back. Munich will make or break his attempts to repeat as 2007 champion.



5. King Dave-may be a little unfair on this one, but the tale of him landing on his head, when ejected from the Ferrands by four bouncers, is the only other tale of mishap that comes to mind at this moment in time.

This is an early indication of how things are shaping up in the race for the yellow jersey 2007. Major plays are expected to made in the upcoming months from such Bender Squad stalwarts as European Bri, Tony Helmet, The King of the Pixies, Dangerous Pete, Semi-On, Maffy and JohnnyMedia to name but a few. Of course, buffoon legend Jamon, although a huge outsider, owing to his incarceration at a maximum holding cell at Riddlesden Bay, is always worth a wager, as it only takes one trip to set the standard

Mighty Bantams Slide into League Two

The mighty bantams slid into the bottom division of the football league yesterday, just seven seasons since playing in the Premier league. A 3-0 defeat At the Spireites of Chesterfield, who were also relegated, condemned us to play in the lowest league for the first time in more than a decade. At least Leeds are practically guaranteed to be relegated as well. So next season will mean bender squad expeditions to the exotic realms of Rochdale, Accrington and Grimsby amongst others. My only fear is that with the club hemorrhaging money, we may be wound up before we get the opportunity.

18 Brighton 45 -9 52
19 Bournemouth 45 -13 52
20 Leyton Orient 45 -14 51

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

21 Chesterfield 45 -7 47
22 Bradford 45 -18 46
23 Rotherham 45 -15 38
24 Brentford 45 -37 37

Jamie Redknapp

WHY?????

Taxi!!

Most of us use taxis on a regular basis and are more than familiar with the process of ride and pay. Firstly have few beers. Flag cab. Tell driver destination. If over a long distance agree price. Talk shite on way home. Pay agreed price and tip. Go to bed. Alas not all of us appear to be familiar with this age old way of conducting business.

The Funky Messiah Way.

Go to black tie works function. Get pissed up on Export and wine. Tell immediate manager he is an arsehole. Move onto double JD and coke. Offer to pluck CEO's bushy eyebrows. Also call him an idiot. Realise you are 30 odd miles from home and only have £15 to make way there. Loosen tie. Hail cab and set off towards destination, withholding financial status from cab driver. On arrival at agreed destination, refuse to pay extortionate rate, and toss last fifteen quid at driver. Attempt to execute sprint from scene of dispute. Remember that you are drunk and stop for breather. Get smacked over bonce with cosh by irate cabbie. While trying to protect ones head from further blows, present angry assailant with loose tie for strangulation purposes. At point of black out, fortune smiles and your £100+ cell mobile phone falls from pocket. Cabbie relieves you of phone and leaves you on ground in ragged pile.

Oh dear. This sad tale is, unfortunately for PJ, not made up but true. The question raised by this epic episode of buffoonery is this; should it count towards the annual "Le Grand Buffoon Award"? It happened within the boundaries of good ole' West Yorkshire, but such epic idiocy surely cannot go unrewarded? My opinion is that it should be counted towards the 2007 award, and think it is high time all acts of buffoonery were taken into consideration. Please debate in the comments section.

Elite Drubbed by Eleven

Even the divine in-toe-vention of the noodly one could not prevent the JMF routing a sub standard Elite by a massive eleven goals last night. Euros boys misfired all night, Shouty played some beautiful passes that resulted in a hatful of goals. Unfortunately they were all to Dead Eye who plays for the MoFo. Blame cannot be laid solely at his door though, the strain of gainful employment was to much for JohnnyMedia, who put in a King Dave-esque performance between the sticks. Shotgun and Young Gaz bickered with each other, and I fell out with Mr. Media. In the midst of all this the MoFo made hay, and although this sticks in the throat, played us of the court. Back to square one, in the on going battle to subdue the gaylord JMF.

2007 Season

• JMF wins -11
• Euro Elite - 5
• Draws - 1

Could this be Divine In-toe-vention??

Yaaaarrrrr! Touched by his noodly appendage. http://www.venganza.org/

McCharity

This weeks McOdyssey offers no prize. Instead I am donating the one pound jackpot prize to the U-Toe-Pia fund for the poor damaged toes of the world. The reason this weeks prize fund is back at one pound, is that last weeks triple rollover was correctly guessed by McCrespo. He spotted that I was in McBrighouse, West Yorks, England. Well as this weeks McOdyssey is for charity, it is extremely easy, but there is a bonus point for naming the street, and the famous landmark this McMystery is across the road from. Good McLuck.



"Whhhhhhheeeerrrrre''''sssss MMMMMMMMMcccccccEEEEEEEurooooooooo???"

A Toe is not Just for Wednesdays......It's for Life

U-Toe-Pia is well under way now, and the message that a toe is not just for Wednesdays....Its for life, is beginning to resonate through out the land. Messages of support have been flooding in from all walks of life. Toe-ny Blair has threatened to launch a MoFo tax, to combat the problem, but the Toery Party are claiming this is yet an other stealth tax. Antoeny Hopkins has made clear his intention of portraying the psychotic toe maimer Dead Eye in the soon to be released motion picture the Phantoem Menace. Surprisingly though there has been dissent from some unexpected sources. Former Elite member Semi-On (formerly known as Lobon, before he went limp), has claimed that this is nothing more than a personal whinge, which coming from someone has risked his own appendages on numerous occasions, came as somewhat of a surprise. Anyway, in a direct rip off one of the tabloid newspapers, I have decided, in what appears to be a forlorn effort, to trust in the healing powers of subscribers of this blog who are opposed to the nefarious JMF. Place your hands on my injury and chant "Big Toe Go, JMF No!" and together, with some divine intervention, my toe will heal quicker, so once again I will be to take up the righteous cause.


Big Toe Go, JMF No

Why Sunday Nights Suck

I love Sundays. It is the only day of the week that I never have to work. There is almost always a football game on. If I choose to spend the whole day on the sofa with a hangover, I can. Afternoons in the pub are great. Sleep ins. These are just a few of the things that make this day the daddy of the week. But there is one two hour period of this day that sucks worse than seven thirty Monday morning. It features the suckiest of the sucky T.V. shows ever shown, and to top it all off the Elster loves it. Two words to strike fear and loathing into the Europeans heart; Grey's Anatomy. From eight o'clock this whiny, overbearing piece of shit is tuned into by the Elster religiously. If this was not bad enough, they show it in double episodes, so it goes on for two hours, which to me frankly seems like an eternity. Some waffly old trout gets hung up on all kinds of wishy washy garbage, aided and abetted by some bird who has a face like a slapped bottom, some supposedly half wit lovable buffoon, and a beef cake love interest for the aforementioned whiny trout. It is absolute and utter tosh. A sample story line. Some guy goes in for surgery and they find a bomb in his stomach. Seriously. One of the whiny ones colleagues decides she doesn't want to have her baby because of this, so refuses to give birth and holds it in. The half wit gets his end away. Police move guy with bomb in stomach because the operating theatre he is in has gas pipe that will destroy the universe if it goes off. Lots of people cry. One guy swallows hard and doesn't cry. Tinkling sad music sung by whiny sad singer plays. More people cry. One women swallows hard and doesn't cry. Crisis averted, woman has baby, everybody cries, while sad tinkly music sung by sad whiny singer plays. As bomb is moved it goes off. Credits roll. I contemplate slashing wrists while in warm bath. Granted Eastenders is without a doubt the worst abomination ever broadcast, but the Elster doesn't watch it, and I am out most times it is on. Back to Sucky Anatomy though. I cannot think of one redeeming feature of this series. The voice over at the end, when whiny does some kind of philosophical voice over about the nature of man, has got be be the most cringe worthy, stomach churning, lost the will to live, who actually writes this bullshit script moments on the boob tube. Believe me this is wank of the highest order. Avoid at all costs.

U-Toe-Pia

Due to my recent struggles with the nefarious JMF, I am launching U-Toe-Pia, a toe awareness week, that aims to prevent anybody else falling pray to this evil sect of toe breakers. Firstly DO NOT PANIC!!! Remember, although they are big, mean and ugly, and hunt in packs of five, they are essentially a bunch of daisy picking turd burglars. Dress sensibly, if it isn't flamboyant it won't garner their attention. Listen to gangsta rap. If it ain't raining men, they ain't interested. Open toe sandals are an obvious no-no. Drink pints of lager/beer. The one thing that worries the shandy drinking MoFo is a gang of bevied up beer monsters. Keep in the company of females. The JMF see groups of five blokes together as a challenge to be rimmed at all costs. Most importantly though, and I cannot stress this enough, if you have the misfortune to find a green furry five a side ball at your feet DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK AND MAKE TO SCORE A GOAL! This is the mating call of the Jamon MoFo, and nothing, I repeat nothing, gets them more aroused. The MoFo strategy is as simple as it is frightening. A quick, but deadly thrust of the boot onto the unsuspecting toe of their pray momentarily renders the victim immobile. Whist in this unfortunate predicament, the remaining four descended to subject the hapless recipient to the most inordinate of depravities. Suffice to say you will be walking like a cowboy for days to come. Remember------A toe is not just for Wednesdays......It's for life.

Hope you are Happy

Usually I respond to comments made on postings in the relevant section, but felt today is an exception. In response to the "Dirty Scouse Git" posting, I would like to report to the nefarious JMF, that after spending the night in agony, I visited the hospital the following morning. After x-rays, it has been revealed that I will be unable to play for at least six weeks, as I am now sporting a broken toe. But at least you "got the ball first" Dead Eye. As for King Dave, who in the pub afterwards acknowledged that it was a blatant foul, it is spelt "biased". To the remainder of the JMF, see you in a month or so. Cheers.

Dirty Scouse Git Secures Slender Victory

Shirtlifters everywhere rejoiced last night as the JMF snuck a one goal victory, down the Wood. It was, alas, achieved in a very unsporting manner, as the MoFo strived to negate the wonderous attacking flair of the Elite by kicking several lumps out them. A "challenge" of particular venom, was carried out by the normally mild manner Dead Eye on a totally unsuspecting European, to deprive a certain goal. As if the dirty tricks weren't enough for the valiant Elite to contend with, the world renowned goal keeping buffoon that is King Dave, had one of those evenings in which anything hit in his direction, was repelled by his flipper like size 18 feet. The assault that was unleashed on myself and my team mates will not go unpunished though, as next week we unleash the Euro Elite enforcer Shouty to do his worst. Wear your shin pads girlie's. This means the evil Jmf have reached double figures in the wins column this year, but we have much footie left to play. Highlight of the game was King Dave running through the goal keeping area, whilst not the goalie, and being hit by the ball to give up a penalty. Although there was no one whithin a square mile of him, he still pointed in my direction and said "he pushed me!" Typical Man U fan.

2007 Season

• JMF wins - 10
• Euro Elite - 5
• Draws - 1

P.S.

Dead Eye asked why the JMF are always referred to as homosexuals during the weekly match report. Well if you all stopped sucking each others cocks in the shower, I wouldn't.

Supermarket Invasion Bradford

Is it me or is Bradford becoming the supermarket epicentre of the universe? Wherever I go, there seems to to be new stores sprouting up like mushrooms. When I was a kid, there used to be Morrisons, and there was only a couple of those. The Co-op tended to be some run down old building that had loads of stamps all over the place. When Asda opened a place in Shipley it was quite a big deal, but now they almost go unnoticed. Tescos was the first to begin devouring parts of Bradford, Valley Parade is in severe danger of being engulfed and ending up somewhere in the international foods aisle. This seemed to shake the others out of their torpor, as first Morrisons and then Asda threw down the gauntlet. This goaded Tescos into an unprecedented burst of activity, as they unleashed the secret weapon of Tesco Express. Even Sainsburys tried to get in on the act, but left it a little bit late. Next to chance its hand was the Co-op, who abandoned the many drab buildings they occupied, even opening stores within yards of each other to halt the Express march. But lately, it is a new kid on the block who is muscling its way into an already saturated market. Lidl are springing up everywhere, and even stores that have tried and failed before are chancing a second attempt, Netto has recently opened a new place in Wyke. At this rate we will all have our own personal supermarkets. The question is can the tide be turned back? This cross party report gives some kind of indication of what the future High Streets of Britain will become http://www.guardian.co.uk/supermarkets/story/0,,1710051,00.html

McSilence from the McMercenary

McGreetings people, its McSpotting time. The sun is out, I am out for a few beers tonight and its my McFavourite time of the week. Last weeks offering went unanswered, in fact there was only one McGuess. Was it too McDifficult? The MaccyD's I was outside of was..........McCastleford, near the Freeport shopping outlet just off the M62. So by my calculations, that means the prize fund now stands at a massive three pounds. This week my dilemma is whether to relent and give all you McSpotters a chance, or be the grumpy old troll who has given you consecutive McStumpers. I will let you be the judge, as its time to guess;



"Whhhhhhhheeerrrrree'ssssssss MMMMMMMcccEEEEEEEuroooooo????"

Swedish Subverts

I am alarmed by how many of the squad have fallen under the flat pack spell. Since my earlier posting concerning the Elsters attempts to trick me into Scandinavian purgatory, it appears I am in a minority of one, of people who have never darkened IKEA's door. Fact is, quite a few of you seem to actually enjoy visiting the big blue and yellow warehouse. G Spot was the first to draw my attention, when he suggested a visit for the £1 breakfast prior to an all day session. He later claimed that it was a joke, but I am not so sure. Next up, not as surprisingly, was work colleague KC, who says he even SUGGESTS going to the Birstall branch with his missus. Apparently he enjoys the hot dogs, good practise for all the cock sucking he does if you ask me. Talking of gaylords, I have no doubt it's the Swedish meatballs that draw in Jamon. But most alarming of all is the Squad member who even gets his jeans there;

Can you guess who it is? Need a clue?

I'll Tell You Who is "Full of It"

How irritating is the new infomercial for salt intake, featuring the "hilarious" Jenny Eclair. Am I alone with being fed up with condescending adverts, telling us how to run our lives? Which agency are they using anyway? One ad for carbon emissions on the radio, has some geezer interviewing an engine, yes an engine, making engine noises. He then interprets the growling noises as the motor saying co2 gases are "Manky" and "Minging". I am sorry, but nobody over the age eight, or with an IQ above 60, uses such ludicrous language. Back to Ms Eclair. What exactly makes the makers of this tosh think anybody is going to pay any attention, to some foul mouthed supposed comedienne? I can just see all the twenty stone baby machines down Holmewood watching these ads and thinking "The blonde trout with specs just may have a point." Then there's the adverts trying to warn of the dangers of STD's, featuring a load of good looking folk getting it on, down various alleys and snickets. Try showing a picture of rotted penis, or the effects of rampant Herpes instead a bunch of lithe youngsters making the beast with two backs. But the finest example of this genre has to be the pissed up geezer trying to rescue a balloon. Some slappers out a hen night are goofing off, when one of them looses her balloon. Some tanked up fella then imagines he is a super hero and clambers up some scaffolding, to try and retrieve said balloon, and falls to his death. Ludicrous. To be drunk enough to contemplate rescuing, of all things a balloon, from such a height, you would not be capable of walking, never mind possessing the co-ordination to scale a building of several stories. Lay off the binge drinkers for Pete's sake. If you really want to make people think twice about the amount of alcohol they drink, show a montage of piss heads trying to dance, or being relieved of their valuables by sober mini cab drivers. These public service ads demonstrate just how far from the real world our decision makers in government now operate. .

For Those in Search of Enlightenment

If you are struggling to come to grips with the meaning of life, or are confused by which religion is the one true faith, please checkout http://www.venganza.org/.

Six Pointer

The Mighty Bantams pulled off a shock away win at Brighton, to set up a real six pointer with Leyton Orient at Valley Parade next week. The O's are two points clear, and in the place directly above City, so our destiny is back in our own hands. i am sure there are more than a few of you up for this game. We will be playing those sad sack MoFos from Leeds next season yet.

FA Cup Final Day

A quick reminder to all squad members regarding the upcoming annual beer fest on FA cup final day. This year it takes place on the 19th of May. We are again hoping to take in the match at the Queens near the Interchange in Bradford, although as always, I am open to alternative suggestions. My participation will be curtailed in the evening though, as I have family commitments the next day. There is also a slim possibility a swift bender maybe in the offing to watch the bantams play at Chesterfield, but we will see what kind of position they are in the league before committing. If it is a do or die match and a few are up for it, we will be resurrecting the Save Our Shouty campaign, as he remains well and truly ensconced in the doghouse, after his Scunny exploits. The chopper remains on standby.

It's Gr-Eight to be Straight

The gaylord, turd burgling, cock sucking, shirt lifters of the JMF took it up their well used starfish last night, as the Elite came from six goals down to win by eight. Those awful, awful men of the Elite were yet again slow of the mark, the JMF cruising into a seemingly unassailable lead, before Young Gaz took it upon himself to drag the Euro boys back into the game. Goals rained in from all angles, Euro even slipping the pig to Dead Eye for a second consecutive, week on his way to scoring a superlative goal. JohnnyMedia broke out of his recent stupor to provide a solid foundation, along with The Mercenary, as the goal threat of Dead Eye and Two Scoops was suffocated. Shouty was Shouty. Leftys recent heroics between the sticks were a distant memory, as he proceeded to make even King Dave and Jamon look competent. Jamon blamed his woefulness on a cold, caught no doubt blowing rent boys down damp alleyways.

2007 Season

• JMF wins - 9
• Euro Elite - 5
• Draws - 1

McSkint

McWelcome, no one McGuessed last weeks McOdyssey, I was in fact at McBirstall, off the McM62, near the Showcase cinemas. Take that McMercenary. The reason last weeks McOdyssey was so difficult, was due to the fact of my McGrumpiness. Well for all of you concerned about my well being, I am glad to report I feel McGreat. This by no means guarantees an easy McSpot this week, as I am McSkint. So for two pounds sterling can anyone guess,





"WWWWWWhere'ssssssss MMMMMMcEEEEEEuuroooo???"


Apologies for the gurning, but I took this shot with the timer.

A Close Shave

I have the misfortune to work for a company that doesn't grant bank holidays, but gives you time off in lieu instead, something up to today, has always rather pissed me off. What has changed my mind I hear you ask? Well let me set the scene. The planets aligned this year, and my days off from work actually coincided with the Easter bank holiday weekend. This meant that for the first time in six years I would actually get to spend the whole weekend off with my wife and kids (my recent bender splurge meaning the Elster put her foot down about boozing with the lads this weekend). Everything was hunky dory till yesterday, when I went out with the old man for a few beers. With my defences down, our lass mentioned something about blinds for the front room, and going out to some out of town shopping area. As all you married fellas out there well know, after a few pints, you don't really pay much attention to what the old trouble and strife is wittering on about. Bank holiday Monday dawned, and we set off to the afore mentioned shopping site. Everything appeared normal till I noticed which car park we were pulling into. The next thing I knew I was hanging on for dear life, as the nefarious Elster was trying to frog march me into IKEA!!!!!!!!!!!! Thankfully I had eaten all my greens the day before, and try as she might, the Elster could not break my death grip on the car park rail. So you will be pleased to know my masculinity remains in tact, and I have not been feminised by the flat packing Swedes. Let this cautionary tale be a warning to all.

A Sign from Above?

So its Easter weekend and I am minding my own in traffic, when who should appear, strolling up the road,


Lo and behold, its the Mad Marching Monk of Bradford. This was my first spotting in well over 12 months, and with it happening on one of the holiest dates in the calender, I have to wonder is it a message from God? Or is it just because the weathers turned warm again? It is all a mystery to me......

Happy Easter

No apologies for the lack of postings this easter weekend as I am doing stuff with the Elster and the bambinos. Normal service will be resumed on Tuesday. Happy Easter to everbody, keep it long & loose and full of juice.

Shouty Unleashed

This will probably only appeal to hardcore bender squad members, but it is basically an educational video, warning against the dangers of engaging Shouty Paul in conversation when inebriated.

Le Grande Buffoon 2007 Update.

This years race for "Le Mailott Jaune" has so far produced only one outright challenger for the title, although his efforts have probably put paid to any chances of donning the yellow jersey. The Skipton exploits of G Spot, who fell out with his taxi driver, lost his wallet, chipped a tooth and attempted to walk home from Bingley to Wyke, a distance of approximately 9 miles, resulted in his Mean Repressive Spouse revoking his bender privileges. As his only pass is now the George on a Friday, which falls within the West Yorkshire boundaries, he is unlikely to acquire any more buffoonery points. Much was expected of the Shoutster on the Scunny outing, and he didn't disappoint, but alas, his best efforts occurred back in Bradford, making them ineligible for this years award. The next major opportunity to make a move for this celebrated title, will more than likely be the Skipton booze cruise in July, which will feature a strong host of contenders.

Injury Hit Elite Sucumb by Eight

Last nights game featured several stand ins to the weekly line ups, and proved to be an even contest for the opening 35 minutes, until Shotgun pulled up lame, and the weekends depredations took their toll on the Shoutster. Luklear upped the pace, and made the floundering Elite pay dearly, slamming home the majority of his sides goals. Apart from that it was a fairly non descript game. Woeful finishing on the Euro Elite side put paid to any comeback, and inspired goalkeeping by both Dead Eye and Lefty, made sure even the better efforts were kept out. This means at the quarter point of the season, the JMF have opened a healthy five game lead. The turd burgling tosspots.


2007 Season

• JMF wins - 9
• Euro Elite - 4
• Draws - 1

McGrumpy

McSorry about the brevity of this weeks McOdyssey, but I have been working long hours, I am tired and sick of coughing up McQuids to McMercenary. So here's a McToughie, and no McClues this week;

Now McPiss off!!!!

Scunny Spank Bantams

Into the relegation zone we drop. Scunthorpe were probably the best team I have seen in this division this season, but we were woeful. When we arrived we were ushered onto buses by a surprisingly over anxious police force. Any one would have thought we were Millwall or Leeds fans. The ground is in the middle of nowhere, and only had one pub open anywhere near. This was compounded by the lack of beer anywhere in the ground for sale as well. Bumped into Captain Kilner and Steve "Rambo" Wilkinson at the game, and at one point we seemed to have equalised, but Wheters header was ruled out for no apparent reason. When we left after the second Scunny goal went in, some jumped up prick of a copper tried to force us on a bus we didn't want to catch. Much barging ensued, till Crespo told the little jobs worth we were in a car, at which point he let us leave. A slow pub crawl back into town was thus undertaken, The Boy moaned like a bitch, and we acquired a new buddy, who Shouty christened Meatball. From here on in it was downhill all the way. A little five fingered discount was pulled off, shooters were supped, and even more remarkably we didn't miss the train. Our next stop was Doncaster. With an hour to kill we manged to drop a couple of pints and jumped on a train back to Bradford. The Shoutmeisters turbo was know operating at full decibel level, and trouble reared its ugly head briefly, some snot rag nearly got his ticket punched, but sanity prevailed. It was about this time myself and The Boy decided to leave the younger Crespo, Meatball and Shouty to it, so the rest of the evenings shenanigans will be reported later in the week.

Shoutster and The Boy revive a flagging Euro, under Meatballs supervision. More photos available at www.bendersquad.smugmug.com