Shoutys freedom comes to an end-

As the minutes slip away for brother Shouty's bachelor days, I would like on behalf of all Squad members to wish him and Sammy J all the best for their future life together. Will see you all at the Bankfield Hotel tomorrow. I would like to post this photo, just to remind Sammy what she's letting herself in for.....



Sometimes I think he should be with the JMF...

Sammy j's Shouty ban results in unjust JMF victory

With kick off barely 60 minutes away, the imminent trouble and strife of Shouty, Sammy j, banned the Euro elite enforcer from participating in the weekly confrontation between the manly and woman loving Euro Elite and the boy loving limp wrists of the evil JMF, summoning Lefty as a late replacement. The rest of this report is difficult for me to write, as an epic performance by the Elite didn't result in the victory it warranted, the evil JMF cutting a deal with Lucifer ten minutes from the end to vanquish the the fine and deserving elite. If I come across as being bitter its becuse I am. I hate losing to those jumped up gaylord cock suckers! Dead eye was again to the fore when it came to scoring, dragging the JMF back into a game that looked to be slipping from their grasp, after a goal frenzy from infamous pot hanger Lobon. The mercenary helped the sausage jockys to final victory by two goals, by atoning for his early ineptitude between the sticks by pulling off several desperate saves during his second stint as keeper.

Next week see's Crespo come into the fold as a stand in for the Elite. We are confident this change will tip the balance back in favour of the righteous.

Who is the biggest gaylord on the J.M.F?

Evil Empire tries to tighten grip on Bradford

Not content with the recently opened supermarket at Great Horton, Tesco's is now applying to build a 60,000 square ft hyper market and petrol station in Queensbury! What is the point? There are two Tescos whitin a couple of miles, the other on Halifax Rd, not including the huge monolith on Canal Rd that is slowly eating up Bradford town centre, and lets not forget the three in Halifax just down the road. So I'll tell you the point. They are evil mother fuckers who won't rest till every single farthing in this country is spent in these temples of greed. At the moment it is estimated that out of every £8 spent in this country £1 is in a Tescos. And thats all goods not just groceries. Yet they want more! I could understand if they were bastions of fair trade, and sold the highest quality goods, but they sell shite! Yet all I hear is "But its so cheap." Bollocks, you get what you pay for in life, and anyone wearing a £4 pair of jeans deserves to be derided, and dont get me started on their no name brand electronics that make Amstrad look cutting edge. Then there's the smug ass adverts in which some millionaire celebrity tells us how cheap sunday roasts, car insurance, phone calls, DVD's etc are priced. Bob Hoskins hang your head in shame! I know a lot of you think I am going overboard, Sainsburys and Asda are no paragons of virtue either, in fact they would love to be in tescos position, but remeber this blog when in the not to distant future you wake up in your Tesco bed, in your Tesco house and go to work in your Tesco uniform that you weren't warned.

Make a difference! If you really want to "Taste the difference" find "More Reasons" and slap your own arse, check out your local butcher, green grocer, hardware store etc. For a few pence more you will get high quality from someone who knows what they are doing. For more information check out;


http://www.tescopoly.org/




Tescos.....bunch of arse

MC United draw blank in Bank Holiday 5 a side tournament

Malcolm C's ill fated MC United today disbanded after failing to find the back of the net in 5 games during a charity fundraiser in Shipley, a tournament marred by the career threatening injury to goalkeeper "Flying Steve", aka Grande Queso. A promising start of two draws by euro, MC, queso, nino and young Stuart counted for nought as some geezers wearing pink beat the United by two, the second goal resulting in the horror injury to the Flying Cheese. After winching him to the sidelines and trying to revive him with Strongbow his missus wheeled him off home to recuperate, MC's wife replacing him between the sticks. We fancied our chances in the next match, our opponents out weighing us by at least 100 stones, but poor finishing and a goal against the run of play left us with only pride to play for, our next match against a team featuring a nine year old and four girlies. Yet agian we failed to find the back of the net, the ample female goalkeeper proving to be our nemesis, saving one goalbound shot with her 44DD left breast. Just as Euro looked to be going on a game winning run, he was flattened by a ginger haired nine year old and all hope was lost. We started our final game determined to score, but an early chance was spurned by MC who rifled against the post with the goal at his mercy. Yet another 0-0 draw.

Our final tally;
Played 5
Won 0
Drew 3
Lost 2
For 0
Agin 3

Queso has on medical advise decided to hang up his clogs. Although this will probably prove to be a one off, never say never. MC has said next time he won't wear jeans, Nino wont be hung over and euro will put his trainers on the right feet.

The Mighty Bantams home game against the limp wristed huddersfield batty boys

The Mighty Bantams home fixture against our local division rivals this year takes place on the 7th of October, kick off 13:00. I suggest meeting at Lloyds in Centenary Square around 11:00 for pre match beers. After we stuff the poodles I am open to suggestions where we go to celebrate afterwards, a few in town followed by some more in Bingley is my idea. I went down this weekend to watch them against Rotherham with Queso, and although their first half performance left a lot to be desired, a half time rocket seemed to sort them out. The two wingers look promising, and the post came to the Millers rescue twice. Lets hope the early promise continues.

You couldn't make it up

I was driving through town today with the Elster, down city road when I spied out of the corner of my eye a new Sauna and Steam room next to the well known gay bar The Sun.

It's called Rimmers!

Has the King become a Queen?

Rumours abound over the recent antics of King Dave, stalwart of the fruity JMF football team. Whispers about the nocturnal antics of this band of over friendly sausage jockeys are becoming louder after the disappearence of the King and his subsequent excuses. The most alarming came after he claimed he couldn't make last weeks encounter due to "The world falling out me arse" after a weekend partying at the Blue Oyster Bar. This coincided with Jamon also crying off from that weeks game. Hmmmmmm. This was in turn followed by this weeks excuse of baby sitting for his lass. Putting the King in charge of an infant is akin to leaving Osama Bin Laden in charge of an airliner full of Jews flying over the White House. This hardly sounds like the behaviour of a king. Unless it was the King of rent boys. I rest my case.

MoFo's shafted by Lobon

The evil JMF were last night put to the sword by a lobon led euro elite. The elite took a few minutes to adjust to the return of of member Lobon, allowing the JMF to open a three goal lead early on, a period during which the mighty European Bri unbelievibly missed a penalty, put off by the epic gurning of Jamon between the sticks. A tight following period saw the Elite draw level and surge in front, the game being played at a frenetic jogging pace. A game of nip and tuck ensued as the Dead Eyeless JMF strived to score, the early jogging pace giving way to brisk stroll, the Elite opened a three goal lead, in spite of being whithout their own goal machine young gaz. Goals were proving hard for both sides, the inept goalkeeping of King Dave not being missed in the slightest by the MoFo. The last keeping shift brought a King like display out of the usually cat like european, who gifted three quick goals to the much maligned funky and Lukelear. The Elite could be forgiven if their heads dropped, as the gloating decibels increased from the opposite goals, tended by none other than Jamon himself. Just as it appeared the Elite had snatched a draw from the jaws of victory, a quick counter attack led to Mark A scoring what proved to be a worthy winner.

All hail the Mighty Elite!!!! Slayer of the Evillllllll JMF!

You shut uuupppppppp!!!!!! EASY, EASY, EASY, EASY, EASY..............

Mercenaries triumph by four

The build up to this weeks showdown at Nab Wood, was rocked this week with the substitution of J.M.F weak links Jamon and King Dave for battle hardened veterans Jules and Alfie, turning an already lopsided game into what looked like an inevitable massacre.

Whith the trio of gaylords reduced to the solitary Funky, things looked bad, when Shouty turned up wearing contact lens and took the first shift between the sticks. With a goalkeeping display of Scottish proportions the J.M.F romped to 9-1 score line. His replacent Lefty Mark then had an attack of colour blindness and proceded to throw the ball several times to the guys in red. The result at the end of his goalkeeping turn? 13-3. Little John was next in the firing line and stopped the haemorrhaging, but the improved JMF were relentless in their hunt for goals. only youg gaz putting up any real resistance. 16-6.

Just when a caning of public school proportions seemed inevitable, the JMF seemed to loose momentum, the aformentioned thirst for goals opening spaces at the back for what suddenly looked like the greatsest comeback of all time. Young Gaz and Euro took the game to the JMF dragging the Euro Elite back to whithin a goal, by trying the novel tactic of shooting. It proved infectious, Lefty and Shouty weighed in with a few long range peaches, as the JMF recoiled on the ropes semmingly there for the taking. A mini comeback by the JMF was weathered as the Elite pushed for an equiliser. Arguing broke out amongst the JMF as the boys in white strove for the greatest victory in the history of victories!!!!


Then Dead Eye scored six goals.

Bastard.

Next week see's the welcome return of Lobon to the Euro Elite, while JMF will be without the talismanic Dead Eye, replaced by Alfie. It's time to see just how good the gay brigade really are.

How Jamon got his name

Jamon MoFo's original team photo

After Jamon recently uncovered the "Jamon MoFo's" team shield, apparently discovered in the mystic pie hole of Wilsden, another team artifact has surfaced form the mists of time. This relic provides the answers to many questions surrounding three of the "MoFo's" shall we say, gender persuassion. I hearby unveil a picture that proves beyond doubt, that the underlying campness that runs through the J.M.F, is supplied by this trio of shirt lifters;




Jamon, Funky and King Dave. Consider your selfs OUTED

Who is the biggest gaylord on the J.M.F?

Jamons MoFo's launch new team shield

The following post was written by well known sausage jockey Jamon, so please forgive the spelling.

Euro fool,



Think of the legend of the Wholly Grail.



The Jamonmofo brotherhood holds a similar echelon within intellectual circles. Its honourable members an elite unit of super-humans masked by symbolism and hearsay.



For decades scholars have debated the myth but now, at last, a clue to their true identity has been discovered within a vault under the “Pie-Hole”.



Behold the attached antiquity.

Brave Euro 5 loose by two

Jamons jerky boys turned round a six goal deficit to sponge an unearned two goal victory against the gallant Euro five. In a tense opening period Euro's boys seized the early initiative opening a three goal lead, before euro decided to throw the the ball to Dead Eye Phil to open Jamon mofos account. Unfortunatley this was to be repeatesd by other teamates later in the game. Despite gifting Jamons gay boys their opening goals, a scintallating period of play, featuring young gaz, brought the Euro five a six goal lead, that was unfortunatley not to last. Dead Eye picked up the pace as Mark left feet went missing in action. The scores were levelled in double quick time, as Euro's valiant team tried cover for the fading Mark, finally sucumbing and going four behind before a late rally reduced the arrears to two. Afterwards even Queen gaylord Jamon knew they had been fortunate and kept his taunting to a minimum. We have decided a new training policy for mark, who did chip in with a couple of goals, which we will focus on making contact with the ball when attempting to kick it, and outlawing him from doing back heels, as they allways seem to go straight to Phil. Next week is Lefty Marks final apperance as stand in for Lobon, and Shouty has bravely tipped the Euro 5 to win, although the bookmakers make us long shots. Till next week.

On the Sofa with Dr. Skanks M.D

Welcome to On the Sofa with Dr. Skanks, the problem page that tells it like is, and puts wayward folk on the straight and narrow. This weeks problem comes from Worried in Milton Keynes;

Dr. Skanks,
I have been seeing my current girlfriend for five months now, and thought everything was fine until last Friday. She chose this night to inform me that she was not satisfied with our love life as I had never managed to make her climax, and that I had one week to to satisfy her or she was off! Now I can be a little selfish in the sack, but I fire my load whithout fail every time, and think I am great. I can shoot in three minutes flat and be in the pub before 10 minutes are up. Please help me Skanks as I can't be arsed finding another trout!

Dear Worried,
It sounds to me your girlfriend needs a good old kick in the pants! My advice in this situation is to remember the old adage,

"How do you make a woman cum?"

"Who gives a fuck!"

Now get yourself down the boozer and sort yourself out man.

Dr. Skanks

Please leave any future problems in the comment area below and I will sort your sad ass out as soon as possible.

Funkys Dream Team League

The Funky Messiah is running his annual fantasy football competion using the Sun dream team. We currently have two entrants and need a minimum of five, so get joined up before the season starts to score maximum points. If we get enough entrants I am sure we can come up with some kind of trophy and award ceremony, which will of course include beer. Please follow the link to register.

http://www.dreamteamfc.com/fg-dtfc06/login.do

Once registered contact myself or funky to get the codes for our mini league.

A Frosty day in Purgatory

Wrap up warm people, because last night at around 21:00 Hell froze over. Those jumped up idiot gay boys routed the mighty Euro elite by NINE goals. It saddens me and hurts deeply to admit that we were completely outplayed for the final 15 minutes, losing a two goal advantage to limp home behind by nine, only averting a double figure spanking with a late effort at the death.
Up until the final quarter the game was very nip and tuck but a woeful goal keeping display from young Gaz gave Jamon and his crew of shirt lifters all the impetus and they took the opportunity gleefully. Dead eye Phil was to the fore again, abley assisted by I am your father Luke, who stood out for me as man of the match. Even the clog wearing clown that is King Dave stuck away a couple of goals, as did the champion of running the wrong way Funky. My personal choice for goal of the evening though is reserved for Jamons beautifully executed toe poke into the bottom corner of his own net.
As for my own teams performance? The fact Jamon was our teams joint third highest scorer hints at the ineptitude shown in front of goal. Lobon stand in Mark was the worst culprit, and has been sentenced to practise shooting for next weeks game. Is this the turning point? Has Jamon's team finally got the measure of the Euro five? We belive we have turned the corner, and after last nights abomination feel we can not sink lower. Till next week.