It Ain't Over Yet

After the woeful display of the Elite the previous week, all seemed lost for the 2007 season. But the Euro boys showed bags of character to bounce back with a two goal victory last night. Two Scoops, standing in for the injured Young Gaz, proved a handful all night, and Ole Shotgunner Solskjaer finally found his range to blast the the MoFo net full of goals. Myself, JohnnyMedia and the Shoutster bore the JMF brunt, and weathered kicks, elbows and industrial language to hold the shirt lifting MoFo at bay. As usual though, the JMF sprinted to an early lead, Blunderbuss Ben, a late replacement for the Funky Pedestrian, was amongst the goals, as they surged to an early five goal advantage. It was crunch time, and the Elite were not found wanting as they dug deep to pull themselves back into the game. Euro Bri took one for the team, blocking a rocket from the Blunderbuss, to preserve equality, before shotgun found space to put the Elite into the lead for the first time. As the match became heated, Luklear War injured himself try to decapitate the Shoutster, as the game threatened to descent into carnage. It was at this crucial moment the MoFo adopted a tactic that was to prove their undoing. For reasons best known to themselves, they decided to stop marking Two Scoops, giving him the freedom of their half, something he exploited brilliantly, as the righteous eased home to a morale boosting victory. Oh they cry like bitches when they lose.

2007 Season
JMF wins -14
Euro Elite - 9
Draws - 2

Pirate Day...25 Days To Go

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggggg
gggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Me mateys, it be neigh twenty five days till we be boarding our vessel to sail deep into the heart of Gargrave, on a journey of debauchery and booze, to be celebrating the anniversary of the arrival of Dangerouse Pete and Scurvy King Dave. The crew numbers are all but set, yet there be one, perhaps two places open for a blaggard to join yet, if he be up to the task. We weigh anchor at 11 Am from the shores of Skipton, any one curtailing our time aboard, the plank will walk. For cockle abusers among ye who wish to clap eyes on our schooner follow the link too www.canaltrips.co.uk

Mediocre Britain

I know I haven't raised any issues concerning the way the country is run for a while, but caught a report in the Times about the dumbing down of Britain's schools, particularly in science. Instead of learning academic subjects, month long projects such as global warming are to be their replacements. In response over a hundred teachers have posted and signed a petition on the number ten website. One was quoted in the newspaper as saying it was "science fit only for the pub." Another has said this GCSE will "remove Britain's technological base within a decade." Yet another said"I would never allow my own children to sit in my own classroom and be taught such a shambles masquerading as 'science'" Other "You couldn't make it up" examples include a school in Surrey that has renamed English classes as Communication classes. My own kids are now approaching Secondary School age, and unfortunately I cannot afford to send them private. Its bad enough that the Primary school they attend doesn't do any kind of sport (sports day at their school comprises of well known Olympic disciplines like find the bean bag), but now they are going to be expected to gain decent employment against well educated eastern Europeans, with qualifications in subjects such as Citizenship and Pollution. Just look at this article posted in the London evening Standard;

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23393742-details/One+of+these+is+a+test+sat+by+Chinese+students.++The+other+is+the+British+version.+(No+prizes+for+guessing+which)/article.do

So if you can't pay to teach your offspring privately, get used to your kids living at home forever, this government is making sure McDonald's will never struggle to fill its vacancies.

The petition mentioned above can signed through the link;

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/newgcsescience/

McBlow Me Down

It seems I be to clever fer all ye McBoneheads last weeks, even that Borelando Gloom looky like McCrespo was baffled by me location. Well gather round ye pilchard botherers, as I tell ye where I been flippin' me pickles......Twas Darlington, just west of the A1, in the far flung north of England. Well seein' as none of ye sperm whalers got me treasure, this weeks booty be standing at two doubloons. So it's time to be wanderin'.....

WWWWWWhere be MMMMcEuro??"

Lobon ...Quiz Buffoon

Before setting off on his summer hols, Lobon dropped into the Villager to lend his brain power in our efforts to win the weekly quiz. We were doing well, Lobon doing his usual trick of saying "Yeah, that's it." every time some got a correct answer. Now being a former pub DJ, he fancies himself as a bit of a wizz with music trivia, and to be fair got a question right, the answer being "Young at Heart" by the Bluebells. He then boldly announced it was co-written by Clare Grogan. Now I reckon he only said this because she's Scottish as are the band, and vowed to prove him wrong, which turned out to be as easy as I expected. Amongst many sources , this link to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Young_at_Heart_(1984_song), which shows this song was a cover of a Bananarama song off Deep Sea Skiving written by the distinctly non-Scottish Siobahn Fahey. Lobon, you are a fool.

King Dave Chops Down Euro Elite

The evil JMF upset a strong Elite side last night to win by five goals. What appeared a superior Euro team was undermined early on, as Young Gaz pulled up lame with a recurring injury. This was compounded by a sluggish start by the Elite, who gifted the MoFo a five goal head start. After shaking of the cobwebs, the Elite dragged themselves back into the game, pulling within two of the shirt lifters, when King Dave decided to go postal, and turn his flipper like size 11's from sand wedges into WMD. First the Mercenary was felled by gone Berserk Dave, damaging his heel so badly he was forced to retire to goalkeeping for the remainder of the match. But his most nefarious moment was saved for the dying seconds of an already won game, when unprovoked, he sprinted the length of the court to viciously assault an unsuspecting European Bri with a Kung Fu style stamp to the back of his ankles. He then proceeded to run out the exit and boot a couple of squash players next door, elbowed the cashier at the entrance and punted a passing dog over the sports centre roof. We are hopeful he remembers to take his medication next week. I hate those MoFo cock suckers.

2007 Season

• JMF wins -14


• Euro Elite - 8


• Draws - 2

99 Days to Go

The countdown to Oktoberfest has dropped to double figures, with just 99 days now remaining till beer-agedon. With the Mercenary and Luklear struggling to find funds, it appears there will be 17 merry men to to take the trip to Munchen. Lobon has raised the possibility of going, should the previous two drop out, so there is the possibility of one spot up for grabs. I will need to know for definite by the end of July, but be warned , to travel on the same flights as the rest of us, the price from Leeds/Bradford return currently stands at £255 return. Rooms are £215 at the present exchange rate. Still waiting for the Don to confirm the tent prices. For those who are going this link takes you to the official 2007 site http://www.oktoberfest.de/en/index.php

Taken from the Telegraph & Argus

Found this interesting story reported in last nights T&A. Can't say as I'm surprised..

Yo Ho Yo Ho..McOddyssey Here We Go

I be thinking me last two McOddyssey have been too easy fer all ye infernal booty sniffers, so I be posing ye a more difficult McLocation this week. Last weeks winner was some French spouting fancy dan, who be guessin' I were taking in lard in the far flung corner that be Halifax. Me booty this week stands at a single doubloon, so let's be havin' ya;

"WWWWhere be MMMMcEuro?????"

Alarma española de Payaso!!

Word has reached these shores that the first buffoon shots have been fired in Majorca. Surprisingly they were not off loaded by Shouty, but dark horse Lobon proved he doesn't always shoot blanks, as he contrived to lose his apartment keys, and has discovered his cash card will not work abroad(although this could be a ploy to get out of buying a round, as he is well known for his short arms). This may not constitute idiocy on an epic scale, but hopefully will inspire the Shoutster to up his game, if for no other reason than to give the Funky Pedestrian a run for his money. Speaking of stupidity, has anyone seen the Don lately? Has he returned from his trip aboard the "Luuuuurrrvvvee" boat? The mind boggles...

Happy Fathers Day

I like fathers day. I get to sleep in. The kids are nice to me all day. I get a card and some new socks. I best of all get to go to the pub and drink Guinness this afternoon with Big Frank and the Elster can't moan about it. Hurrah!

Bon Voyage to Poy the Boy

Sorry for the lack of postage over the last few days, but have been busy at work, and was laid up on the sofa yesterday after a bender down the George on Friday. We were out to see off Poy the Boy, who is taking himself off down under to start up a new life. It was mainly old YC guys who were out, but regular booze hounds Paddy, G Spot, Two Scoops, KC, JohnnyMedia and myself made sure he went off with a good blowout. However we forgot Poy was not the seasoned veteran of yore, and myself and Paddy had to literally carry him home. Big up to the taxi driver, who took the fact he hoiked all over his cab quite well, and even took me and the mad muck mover home afterwards. All thoughts now turn towards the pirate cruise down the treacherous waters of the Leeds-Liverpool canal.....Yarrrgghh...

pirate Day Approacheth

With July the 21st only weeks away, I think it would a good idea if we all came up with pirate nicknames for the days festivities. All entries in the comments section please. No nominations to name yourself will be accepted, otherwise everyone will be called Swashbuckling something. I think for a pirate name to be granted it should be seconded by at least two other members. King Dave felt every moniker should contain Jack, but I feel this may narrow the options too much. To get the ball rolling I would like to start with the Ginga Ninga, who I would like to forward as Lusty Jason, and El Grande Queso as Calliper Steve. get your thinking caps on.

Elite Fade Late on to Lose by Three

A bright start by the elite was to no avail as the JMF ran the legs out from under the Elite to win by three. Ruud van Lefty-roy made mincemeat of the MoFo rearguard early on, as the Elite raced to a five goal lead. But two moments of madness opened the door for the JMF, as first the Mercenary, and then Lefty, gave away two of the softest penalties you will ever see, to cast a life line to mincers of the MoFo. Rejuvenated by these unexpected gifts, the JMF began to apply pressure all over the pitch, and first equalise, and then race into a lead they were not to relinquish, against a badly fading Elite. I hate those cock suckers.

2007 Season

• JMF wins -13


• Euro Elite - 8


• Draws - 2

Better McLate than McNever

Yarrgh me hearties...I be fallin' asleep in me hammock last night after a hard day pillaging, and did not get chance to be posting this weeks McOddyssey challenge. McCrespo rodgered me booty of two pieces of eight last week, for guessing I be dropping anchor in McPontefract. So for one golden coin from me bountiful chest, can any of ye rum dodging cabin boy chaser's be spotting;


"WWWWWhere be MMMMcEuro????"

McMeatballs... the McVerdict

Friday was McD-Day for the McMeatball melt, MaccyD's latest addition to its deli range. Driving to work I was reminded of my mission, an omen of tastiness I hoped, as I passed the road side advert that had first caught my attention. So as I plodded through my mundane day's work, the thought of meatball heaven kept me on throughout the day. I chose McBrighouse, and around four o'clock made my move.

Oh dear. Now I am not naive enough to expect my McGrub to look like the advert, but this took the biscuit. "Is this it?" I enquired of the non plussed Polish girl who served me. She shrugged and moved on to the guy next in line. I sat there looking forlorn. Meatball my arse. meatmarble would have been a more apt
description. And it had Lettuce on it, even though I requested no salad. Green leaf on a Meatball sandwich! Sacrilege! What did the melt bit of it's name mean? For something to melt it needs to be warm, and this abomination was moist certainly not. There was no sauce, it didn't drip down your shirt, it was too small and there was the princely sum of seven meatmarbles in it. But this all paled into insignificance as I bit into it, hoping by some miracle, that it would taste the opposite of what it looked like. It didn't. In fact given the choice between this and dog food, I would now be sporting Chappie breath. I have learned one valuable lesson, and believe this should be drafted into the Declaration of Benderpendance. Never buy a meatball from a clown.

McMeatmarble (actual size), compared with those little bits of french fries you always find in the bottom of the red packet thingy.

Guess the Buffoon

With idiot points thin on the ground since the last Le Grande Buffoon 2007 update, it is always good to know that one of the squad is keeping up appearances. Yes, old reliable, the Funky Messiah has been up to his tricks yet again. In the surveillance nation the UK has become the Funky one has seen fit to ignore the plethora of speed cameras doting this once great land, resulting in the inevitable six month ban. Now in some regards this makes him somewhat of an anti establishment hero in some respects. But gaining another three points for speeding whilst awaiting a court appearance for already reaching the twelve point ban limit is, in all honesty, plain buffoonery. Henceforth, for the duration of his six month ban, he shall be known as the Funky Pedestrian. So as the year rolls towards the halfway point, Funky is gathering pace in his efforts to be presented with the Maillot Jaune. But although he remains favourite to win his first crown, the Jennetta clan, minus Funky, are headed to Majorca for a fortnight. Add the Shoutster to the mix, and you have a recipe for some prime stupidity.





Current Odds;

1. The Funky Pedestrian-Evens


2. Shouty-3/1


3. John the Don-4/1


4. Mad Ad-9/1


5. Tony Helmet-9/1


6. The Boy Dazzler-11/1


7. European Bri-11/1


8. King Dave-11/1


9. King of the Pixies-11/1


10. King Dave-11/1


11. Lobon-11/1


12. 12/1 Bar

All other prices available on request.

Contentious Draw Down the Wood

An ill tempered game in in stalemate last night, with European Bri slotting home a hotly contested penalty in the dying seconds to secure a draw. A low scoring affair played out in muggy conditions was in the balance throughout, neither team being able to stamp it's authority on the other, resulting in, by my reckoning, an 8-8 draw. Apart from that it was the usual game of shouting the toss, my personal favourite being when King Dave shouted handball on himself. Many changes next week, the Mercenary fills in for Shotgun again, Lefty plays for Shouty and Thommo replaces the Funky Pedestrian.

2007 Season

• JMF wins -12


• Euro Elite - 8


• Draws - 2

For those of you who were wondering about last weeks result, I can only report that Two Scoops and Funky did not show up resulting in a four a side game. Reports of the match vary massively from both sides, as I was not there for the game, but it appears through some form of skulduggery the JMF prevailed. Queen MoFo, Jamon, feels this should be included in the seasons result, something I believe he would have had a different view if the JMF had lost. In an effort to restore deteriorating relations between the forces of good and gay, I am proud to announce the JMF as the four a side kings of 2007. Hurrah!

Hardy Soul Required

Yargghh Black Beard, I have tried to pickle the ed of me buxom wench Elster, and force her to walk the plank into IKEA for some o' their bootiful Swedish meatballs, but twas me who ended up with pickled ears. Wenches these days! Curse womens lib to hell! As every bender buccaneer be knowin, IKEA is kryptonite to an old boozy dog like meself, so I be needin' a hardy soul prepared to stare conformity in the face and brave the cavernous blue and yellow flat pack hell. I be lookin' fer someone not afraid to navigating through wardrobes and book shelfs to reach meatball island, and return with yer manliness intact. I not be expectin' many volunteers fer a mission wrought with such danger, be as the only reward be to increasing the fat content of an idle old booze hound, namely me.

Yaarrrgggghhhh!!! Me Lovely Booty!!!

Shiver me timbers, the salty spittoon polisher that be McCrespo has pinched me booty!! I was indeed super sizin' me girth in the McPontefract triangle. Two of me precious, precious golden doubloons be yer reward for solvin' me latest riddle. But be warned next weeks location will prove to be your undoin'. Damn ye all to hell.

Mmmmmmmmmore.......Meatballs.....IKEA Swedish Meatballs......

I forgot all about IKEA meatballs last night, mainly because I refuse to enter this establishment, as if I visit once the Elster will have me in there every other day (although I would see a lot more of Jamon and KC, who seem to spend an inordinate amount of time cruising Ikea). Which brings me back to meatballs. G Spot has informed me that the Swedish meatballs are not only mighty fine but cost peanuts! What I want to know is, can you buy them to take out, or frozen for home cooking? The Elster says's you can't, but I reckon she is only telling me that, as she thinks my belly will get the better of my common sense. Of course if they do sell them to go, I will require someone to go in and get them for me......

Mmmmmmm....Meatballs.......

My love of burgers is well known, but, believe it or not, there is one thing I love to scarf even more....Meatballs. I love them with pasta, spaghetti, on their own, with ice cream, you name it I will munch a meatball with just about anything, but I particularly love these greasy delights in sandwich form, namely the sub variety. Now I love these green and pleasant lands, but places that sell Meatball Subs are pretty limited, in fact outside of Subway I have yet to encounter anywhere in Blighty that does. Until now. At first I thought it was a mirage, in fact I thought I was dreaming, when I sped past a MacD's poster on bus shelter, advertising something called the Meatball Melt. I searched the Internet when I arrived home, but found nothing pertaining to this meatball vision I had seen. But tonight I have seen another one, claiming they can be bought for £1.99 on Fridays. Hurrah! Has anybody else seen, or even better sampled one of these babies? Please let me know if I am in for grease heaven, or am I to be bitterly disappointed, and forced to scamper back to Subway with my tail between my legs. And yes, I do realise it won't look anything like the picture.

Oh yes, on the subject of MaccyD's................

McMad fer It, Got any Pills?

Yar there ye squid sniffin' barnacle lovers, even though I be givin' ye a fortnight to be figurin' out where I be burger pillaging, and not a solitary correct guess to be had. I was greasin' me chops in the McManchester suburb of McWythenshawe. So this week I be offerin' two gold doubloons to the sore infested scally who be correctly guessin',

"WWWWhhhere BBBBe MMMccEuro?????"

Back in Town

Way aye me hearties, I have returned from the coast of Northhumberland in fine spirits after a week of burgering and boozing in Viking country. The weather was hit and miss but still managed to get sun burnt. Stayed in a real nice place in Seahouses, with a nice open spiral stair case that ties in with one of my escapades. The best thing about this gaffe though, was it's close proximity to a salty sea dog pub called the ship
With plenty of sea faring paraphernalia hanging from it's ceiling and bar, I spotted this Toby jug, would of been great for swilling rum out of, but I couldn't purloin it as they kept it locked in a glass cabinet. Which brings me back to the open plan nature of the staircase. After going out with Big Frank, who had popped up for the evening, I was pretty greased and pitched into bed, and was snoring within seconds. The Elster took a huff, and went get some kip on the sofa downstairs. Well sometimes when I am staying in an unfamiliar place, I sleep walk, and this evening was one of those nights. I was rudely awoken by the Elster shouting out my name and calling me a dirty bastard. As I slowly came round, I became aware that I was holding my dick in my hand, and pissing off the spiral staircase straight into the Elsters trainers! She was not impressed, let me tell you! Luckily by morning she came round a bit, and even saw the funny side, but I have the feeling she's gonna get a new pair of shoes out of me. The rest of the holiday passed off without too much incident, although I did get told to Fuck Off! by a psychotic bike rider in Edinburgh, where I also squeezed in a whiskey tour when the Elster wasn't looking. I would have made this posting earlier, but decided on my arrival back in Bradford to checkout what was going on down the George, and you've guessed it, got wankered on Guiness and ended up ligged on the sofa with a thick head all day. Not much has been happening, but something odd did happen.

Young Paddy, who is boisterous and loud, but usually even tempered, threw a wobbler with his best mate, Shaun, and went for him. Much weirdness! After a bit of handbags, everything seemed cool, but the mad muck mover tried to take him out again, and took out half the beer glasses in the pub in the process

Paddy about to go Postal

"What Happened????"


By the Way you are all miles out on the McOdyssey.