European Bri spouts off nonsense, and reports on the ongoing buffoonery of the Bender Squad
Monday, November 13, 2006
The country is going to Hell in a handbag
It has been reported today that six drug addicts have won an out of court settlement from the Government. It is not because they were used for illegal experiments. Its because they were made to go cold turkey when sent to jail for breaking the law. That's right, the poor little angels were deprived of smack when sent to prison. Apparently this breached the poor fella's human rights. Check the BBC report here; http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6142416.stm. Can someone explain to me how 6 convicted criminals get a cash "reward" for being denied something in jail that is against the law????? To top it all the six were used as a test case, and the true figure to be compensated is 198! A Prison Trust Reformer has stated this may pave the way for alternatives to prison for petty criminals who are addicts. What does she suggest? Perhaps a fortnight in the Maldives? What about Disney Land? Well I just happen to have a quite radical proposal to remedy the situation, and I reckon in the long run it will save thousands of pounds and keep everybody happy. Seeing as we are currently entrenched in Afghanistan, do a deal with the local Heroin dealers for the purest, hardcore shit that they can get. Hire a big hall, invite all the wastrels and no-hopers to fill their boots, and fast track them on to the next life in a manner to their liking. Don't feel sorry for them. Everybody knows what this garbage does to you, yet still they choose this "lifestyle". You cant help those that won't help themselves.
The 198 are to split £750,000 between themselves. This is roughly £3,800 each.
ReplyDeleteA SQUIRRELS TALE
ReplyDeleteREST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and
improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.
THE END
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and
starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of
GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome".
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the
charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.
He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt
when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary
home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as
they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried
to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them
pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned
because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise
and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain
the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for
the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise
him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.
The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching
Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government
for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United
Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.
THE END
Brilliant.
ReplyDeleteWould the author of "SQUIRRELS TALE" please make themselves known because I intend to sue you.
ReplyDeleteThe reason?
You have failed to mention otters in this story, I therefore declare that you are an otterist slurring the good name of otters by obmitting to mention (and therefore not acknowledging the existance of) otters!
I have already spoken to legal aid and have been assured of full monetary assistance to support my case.
I have also engaged the services of a one-armed, black-lesbian human/civil/otter rights lawyer.
An "undisclosed" out of court settlement would be considered (to by heroin) providing a full apology to the NCO (National Council of Otters) is published in the socialist magazine.
I await your response...........
..... which better be soon or aggravated charges of mental abuse and otter cruelty will also be implied.